I Watch, I Rant, You Read - Resident Evil Degeneration
Edward says (15:04):
So I'm watching Resident Evil Degeneration [Link removed]
So far, it's okay
But its just so far
Everything is a pointless buildup.
Okay, i get it, Umbrella went tits up
you still need zombies, right?
okay, WilPharma!
they're doing...
Experiments on people!!!!! =O
OH SNAP NO WAY SERIOUSLY?
Sluggy says (15:05):
... sounds a bit generic
Edward says (15:05):
Its capcom, and its resident evil.
Wait... there's problems with the human experiments?
Wow, I really would not have guessed that from a mile off
I'm... shocked
Sluggy says (15:06):
I love sarcasm ^-^
Edward says (15:06):
Oh, the leader is a dickwad?
And poorly voice acted?
Wow Capcom, you really pulled out the stops.
Sluggy says (15:07):
Awe
Some
Edward says (15:08):
Oh no, people are wearing zombie masks and walking around groaning?
I guess the writers were taught about dramatic irony before writing.
Except its not clever, BECAUSE WE KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE FUCKING ZOMBIES, ITS RESIDENT EVIL!
Oh shit there's actually a zombie now.
And only seconds after a zombie hoax
Oh, I see what you did there, Capcom.
Get out of my house.
Edward says (15:11):
Oh my god, that was hilarious: Some bodyguard shoots the zombie, and checks the body of the guy whose neck he's just ripped to shreads.
By checking the pulse on the side he's been ripped to shreads.
*clap*
Then suddenly zombies!
Sluggy says (15:12):
Ahahahhahaa xD
Edward says (15:12):
Zombies EVERYWHERE!
Sluggy says (15:12):
Everywhere!
Edward says (15:12):
Seriously
One minute ago, there was ONE zombie
now there's like, 30
in the space of a minute
Sluggy says (15:16):
Not likely, its not as if they move quickly.
Edward says (15:16):
these zombies are quicker now
AND THEN A PLANE GOES THROUGH THE BUILDING
Sluggy says (15:17):
Screw :-O
Edward says (15:17):
well, I guess thats why there was that scene with the guy who was obviously a zombie on the plane now.
Capcom: Leave no stone unturned, no story unexplained
Okay, and people SURVIVED THIS PLANE CRASH?
OH NO WAIT THEY'RE ALL ZOMBIES
thats right Claire, you shake your head and say "no way"
This can't be happening indeed.
though why we're saying it, is for entirely different reasons, trust me.
Sluggy says (15:19):
LOLLLL I have to see this
your scrutiny will be all the funnier
Edward says (15:19):
why don't you people understand why you can't leave the airport.
There has been a zombie attack
no wait, sorry.
a "bioterror attack"
Thats right, angelia jolie lookalike, you slam your fist in anger. Get back to the kitchen.
(15:21):
"Being infected by being bitten... its like something out of a horror movie"
I direct you to the title of the film.
"Resident Evil"...
Hmmm, must be about girl scouts or something
(15:23):
"you think this Wilpharma drug has something to do with this?"
Really?
REALLY?
After the intro which caused me to guess after 20 seconds WilPharma would cause a new zombie uprising?
After people involved with WilPharma turned into zombies?
Who the fuck is writing this?
Sluggy says (15:24):
...idiots? =D
Edward says (15:24):
Leon Kennedy!
Man, i hope his entrance is badass and entertaining!
Oh, no, it wasn't. What a suprise.
(15:26):
"Who does he think he is?"
I dunno man, maybe someone who, you know, was the star of Resident Evil 2?
and 4?
I wonder why he's more qualified to talk than you.
(15:28):
"The only way to kill them is to destroy their brains"
"Destroy their brains?"
"Shoot them in the head"
Or, make them watch this film.
Sluggy says (15:28):
I like that xD
Edward says (15:30):
wait, why is all the power out?
Guys, airports operate at nights, you know
(15:31):
"The song of the infected.."
(8)All we wanna do is eat your brains...
"Are you okay, mr obviously a zombie?"
(15:32):
Okay, so the lights are all out, but the computers are fine?
TURN A FUCKING LIGHT ON
Sluggy says (15:32):
You should write films Ed
Edward says (15:32):
"Stop, or I'll shoot!"
Yes, because the zombies didn't try to kill you when you tried to help them....
(15:33):
Oh no! I can't possibly shoot someone WHO IS A FUCKING ZOMBIE
SHE'S A ZOMBIE. A ZOMBIE. FUCKING SHOOT HER.
NO, NOT IN THE KNEECAP
DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO LEON?
BRAINS ARE NOT IN KNEECAPS
(15:34):
"It's impossible"
What, it's impossible thats shes not dead after you shot her in the kneecap?
Someone failed biology class.
Hard.
Sluggy says (15:35):
Hahahahahahahahahahaha
Edward says (15:36):
Okay, we get it, you have set this prick up to die first. We get it, he's fulfilled about half of the clichés of the "I'm going to die first" cliché.
(15:37):
He's joked about it being like a horror film, he's shittalked the only guy who knows what he's doing, he ignored the "Shoot them in the head" philosophy, wasted loads of bullets firing randomly into a crowd of zombies with such manliness he grew a boner, and had a rivalry with the main character
this, and he's just been attacked by a zombie and was like "oh shit my manliness! noOooooo!"
He is going to die first. I hate him, please kill him now, and save me the trauma later.
(15:39):
"You might wanna stick your ego up your ASSSSSSSSSSS"
Capcom: Can get voice actors who make swearing sound even more forced than the average sentence from a 12 year old.
(15:42):
aw, fuck, who left the kid alive?
Great, now I'm being forced to care about a fucking kid.
And we're not watching Claire Redfield kick arse, because of a stupid kid.
Thanks, Capcom, way to cliché me into a coma.
Oh, she's using an umbrella as a weapon
what irony.
Sluggy says (15:44):
Please write this up as a review
Edward says (15:44):
And way to address that irony.
I am 20 minutes into this film
and it feels like I have lost half of my life.
(15:45):
Yay leon and claire
We should be getting some arse kicking.
no wait, boring dialogue.
and a kid.
wait, wait, wait wait WAIT
(15:46):
Leon just said Claire had more experience than anyone, because of her experiences in Raccoon City.
Leon, when you joined the goverment because you survived raccoon city, did they wipe your memory too?
(15:47):
"We're going to walk through the lobby"
"It's crawling with zombies, isn't there another way?"
"Nope"
And when they wiped your memory, leon, did it cause short term memory?
because I think you managed to reach them, you know, by taking a side entrance.
(15:48):
You know what this run through a zombie infested aiport lobby needs?
muted guitars!
(15:49):
Oh thank jesus capcom must have heard my cries from the future.
Because the dickhead guy, seconds after getting an approving nod from Leon, has been mauled on the arm by a zombie.
Thank fuck for that.
(15:51):
"Shit, he got bit!"
Well done, Chairman of the company that caused this zombie outbreak.
Well done.
Sluggy says (15:51):
Ed xD
Oh man xD
Edward says (15:52):
"Greg! GREEEEEGGGGGGGGG!"
Yes, that IS his name
weren't you listening to that chairman guy, who told you he got bit?
you were holding onto him when he said it.
5 seconds ago.
(15:53):
Man, I sure hope that Greg doesn't come back later on as a zombie who still has hints of humanity/they need to put down in a "tense, emotional" scene
Sluggy says (15:54):
Hahahaha
Edward says (15:54):
"Do you think we'll get out of here?"
"All we have to do is shoot as many zombies as we can..."
*leon shoots ONE zombie*
"...and run like hell"
(15:56):
"can't you kill them any faster?"
I mean, they're only, you know, TWO people. They could afford to kill them all in seconds, really, they're just taking so long to piss you off, Mr chairman
(15:57):
"We're not going to make it out of here, are we?"
Mr Chairman, you asked that question like, a minute ago.
Does this zombie outbreak cause spontaneous retard syndrome, too?
(15:58):
Thats right zombies... tasty child bait
take itttt
take itttt
(15:59):
Claire, way to ruin it, bitch.
And the chairman ran off limping?
Sluggy says (15:59):
Bitten like a bitch
Edward says (16:00):
(not bitten actually, he hurt himself earlier when the plane hit the building, I think) Man, I sure hope he doesn't come back later infected as a zombie because he ran off being a dick/in charge of all the zombies somehow/trying to stop our VALIENT HEROES (Tm)
(16:01):
Finally! Claire kicks arse!
Sluggy says (16:01):
Awesomes
Edward says (16:03):
Oh they're all okay, even the chairman
that was all half an hour.
Man, what a short movie.
Wait, there's another hour? shit.
Sluggy says (16:03):
...they're already repeating from the sounds of it though
Edward says (16:04):
how can they possibly keep this shitfest going for another hour?
Sluggy says (16:04):
FLYING ZOMBIES
Edward says (16:04):
Oooh, ominous person referred to and seen a couple times during the zombie infestation having an annoyingly vague conversation over the phone
(16:05):
this should be called "Resident Evil: Cliché"
(16:06):
Oh, the former umbrella corporation employees are causing the spread of the virus?
Really?
Capcom, did you just basically go back on what you all but said earlier?
(16:07):
oh, so WilPharma are developing a vaccine to the zombie outbreaks?
(16:08):
The chairman's laughs aren't his, but of the film's writers at the audience.
Sluggy says (16:08):
Hahaha i can imagine xD
Edward says (16:09):
Yes, it is all your fault, Claire.
Well done.
FLASHBACK
da na na na na na na na FLASHBACK
"I'm gonna scrub this virus from the face of the earth"
Better get the sponge, leon.
Sluggy says (16:11):
bit o' sandpaper
Edward says (16:12):
oh no, all the virus vaccine has conveniently been destroyed
BY TERRORISTS
(16:13):
urgh, I have lost all will to watch it now
At first, I was like "Yeah zombies"
now its like "oh no terrorists"
and they reckon its probably ominious phonecall guy.
Sluggy says (16:14):
...youre gonna carry on watching arent you? xD
Edward says (16:14):
I have to now.
Not for me
But for the internet.
Oh no! Terrorist guy is Angelia Jolie lookalikes brother
DRAMA
TENSION
EMOTION
...None of these will occur.
Sluggy says (16:15):
I know xD
Edward says (16:16):
"My brother wouldn't do something like this..."
Woman, 5 seconds ago, he just set fire to a house just 'cause.
(16:17):
"You're packing a lot of hardware just to see your brother..."
You know why?
I don't either.
(16:18):
"I'm afraid there's only one thing you can do......
....
....
Join me for late afternoon tea"
Mwahahahaa! Mwahahahaahaha! Ahahahahaaha!
Sluggy says (16:19):
The fuckkkkkkk?
Edward says (16:20):
You bastard! Not LATE AFTERNOON TEA!
you... you.. fiend!
(16:24):
Follow that fire coming from my old house!
Oh no, my old house is on fire! I didn't expect this.
(16:25):
Well, better fall on my knees and look remorseful while now revealing my brother's motive for causing the outbreak, instead of putting the fire out
yup
(16:26):
"Thats odd, it wouldn't accept my card..."
Yes, because it not accepting your keycard
Is actually the most important thing
considering you know
zombie outbreak.
(16:28):
Hey guys, thanks for unnecessarily talking about the building's security levels etc
because now we know for certain they'll be important later
(16:29):
"This is what you came to assist me with"
Drinking later afternoon tea.
Which is delicious, they assure us.
(16:30):
"He said something to you, didn't he"
Well, they WERE on the phone.
and back to watching the fire burn
and more terrorist backstory
no wait, sorry, angelina jolie lookalike backstory
Sluggy says (16:31):
....WUT
Edward says (16:31):
trust me, everything will make sense if you watch it.
you'll watch it, while keeping this convo window up, and reading along going "Oh this is what he was talking about"
(16:33):
"This is the G Virus"
Cue flashback to Re2
Oh, they have the G virus on the black market.
apparently.
(16:34):
"Oh no, there's something wrong with the server"
If you've just realised you're going to be found out for something that will get you into serious shit, you better think of a better excuse than that.
(16:36):
"We'll have another biohazard if this thing..."
Oh, a reference to the japanese name for the series.
And then explosion!
Except we didn't see it
and what a suprise, the G virus is most likely loose
What a twist.
(16:37):
"Lets split up"
And look for clues.
Oooh, sexual chemistry between leon and joliealike.
what a shocker.
(16:38):
And again, Leon has never heard of a light switch.
(16:39):
Its your brother
and he is obviously infected
oh wait, better have a tender moment with him before he obviously becomes a zombie
(16:40):
"Why did you do this?"
YOU EXPLAINED IT YOURSELF ABOUT 10 MINUTES AGO
(16:41):
And he's turning into a zombie.
what a shocker.
to get back at them!
and everyone who isn't them or the army is a zombie
WHAT A SHOCKER
(16:42):
THERE'S STILL ANOTHER HALF HOUR OF THIS
"Ceasefire!"
Yes, Stop shooting at the zombie thats about to KILL YOU
(16:43):
Well, what a shocker that they're about to all die because THEY STOPPED SHOOTING HIM
(16:44):
YEAH MORE MUTED GUITARS
(16:46):
Thats what every fight scene needs
Thats... one way to use a grenade launcher, I guess
though you know leon
you could have... I dunno
shot the monster with it?
man, I bet random army men won't get attacked now.
(16:48):
oh wait, suddenly, rain, rain everywhere.
someone set off the sprinklersssss
Oh, shit, they're all going to be incinerated withthe building
in 5 minutes
well, we say 5 minutes, but thats movie minutes
(16:49):
and SHOCKER!
THE ZOMBIE DIDN'T DIE
YOU FOOLS! SHOOTING IT ONLY MADE IT STRONGER!
(16:50):
yeah, it was definatley 5 movie minutes
not 5 real minutes
(16:51):
okay, maybe actually it was realtime, but barely
okay really
its taken 10 minutes
for anyone to attack the eye on the monster.
(16:52):
"It sees you as a breeding tool... your brother is dead"
Yea, because its not bad enough that you're told the zombie monster wants to fuck you
you're now told "its okay, its not incest"
(16:53):
and then there was the underwater kiss
Its for air, we swear.
thats the only reason
"for air"
Sluggy says (16:53):
so much to catch up on
But its good stuff dude
GOOD STUFF xD
Edward says (16:53):
"Oh shit now whats going to happen?"
You mean
seriously?
All this happened, and NOW you're wondering what can happen?
...and now I have to wait an hour before I can watch anymore.
Edward says (17:30):
hmmmm
if we stay here, we drown, if we go up again, explosion
*shoots glass* DILEMMA SOLVED
(17:32):
"I know what leon would do..."
the new alternative to WWJD
(17:33):
OH SHIT GUYS PRESSURE DECREASE
WHATEVER WILL HE DO
AND THEN LEON JUMPS LIKE A BADASS
WOOSH
AND SUDDENLY THE MONSTER AGAIN FOR NO REASON
Ninja leon
(17:35):
And she aims the gun, but she won't fire
because its her brother
AND HE STILL HAS HUMANITY IN HIM
AND NOW HE'S CRYING
NO CURTIS, FIGHT THE DEMON WITHIN YOU THAT YOU WILLINGLY LET TAKE OVER YOU
(17:36):
What a shocker, the monster having humanity within him
OH NO it grabbed onto her leg and is hanging
what will happen now?
I sure hope she doesn't fall down with him
as a sacrifice
(17:37):
Oh no wait
she's giving a bullshit speech about how SHE HAS TO LET HIM GO
"If you don't save one life, you'll never save any"
AND SLOW MO BULLET
TO THE FACE
WOOOOOOOOOOSH
AND ITS FALLINGGGG
(17:38):
and then random explosion
so you KNOW he's dead now
and the explosion it cut off JUSTin time
(17:39):
and ninja skillz save the day again
tell me, is there anyway you can actually enjoy a film if its so clichéd you know most of whats going to happen?
(17:40)
they're holding hands
cos its a tender moment
and they're going in for the kissssssssss
here's the tender music
for the kissssssss
which won't happen
because his phone goes off
and Claire is a cockblocker
(17:41):
how does a girl with zero computer skillz manage to use these computers with 100% accuracy?
shes like "wow, a computer I've never seen before"
and suddenly its like shes owned it for 20 years
(17:42):
and suddenly it turns out the chairman WAS THE TERRORIST AFTER ALL
I DID NOT EXPECT THAT HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE
(17:43):
Okay, frederick
same thing.
its still the same company sponsoring terrorism
"It can't be"
well, according to the film
it was.
(17:44):
And ominous phonecall again
You knew he was a villain, because he wanted to have afternnon tea
who wants afternoon tea apart from terrorists?
(17:45):
OH SHIT HE GOT CAUGHT
OH WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED
(17:46):
"You're a smart woman, and smart woman want money"
Not smart women....
"You're too pathetic to kill"
You're a woman
look who's talking.
lets face it joliealike
the only reason you are here
is to link leon.
(17:47):
then suddenly, FUTURE
and shes in a dress
(17:48):
"All the terrorist attacks were a sales pitch"
New T-Virus and vaccine combo can be yours, but only while stocks and victims last!
Now Leon's like "I gotta go be in Resident Evil 4 now"
(17:49):
and off he goes
(17:50):
"Next time we bump into each other, lets hope its somewhere more normal"
LIKE YOUR BED
I think he just got two women, in like, 2 minutes
thats better than my record.
Its not quite over today!
(17:51):
Oh no Tricell have taken over WilPharma
and they've taken all the chairman's money
and KILLED HIM
and stole his data!
OH NO
It's all gonna happen again
(17:52):
What a twist/way to open for a sequel
And the end.
Sluggy says (17:52):
I have enjoyed this Meheh
Edward says (17:52):
With muted guitars in the credits
Wooooooo!
Sluggy says (17:52):
Just amazing
Edward says (17:52):
oh wait, there's singing
Sluggy says (17:52):
...creepy singing?
Edward says (17:53):
its upbeat singing
UPBEAT SINGING
WHAT FILM IS THIS ANYMORE?
Sluggy says (17:53):
... Strange
..
Edward says (17:54):
well
I say upbeat
its upbeat, but its like "I sacrifice myself for your love" bollocks
Its like...
Capcom
What have you done?
(17:55):
You have wasted my life, and my hatred.
And its all completely over.
Thank fuck.
I have an overwhelming urge to kill zombies...
I know just what to play!
Sluggy says (17:58):
..left 4 dead?
Edward says (17:58):
Exactly!
(I was actually going to say that, you just beat me to the punchline)
(though if you'd have said "Resident Evil" i'd have been like "Resident evil is a game, now?")
THE END.
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