Blessed Darkness

Blessed Darkness

BLESSED DARKNESS


It's been too long. But, I can't. I can't. The lights! They watch me with their huge, shiny eyes. Long fingers flash over strange panels. My head aches. It feels like a lead weight. I feel cat fur on my fingers, smell hickory smoke. A brilliantly detailed memory flashes and fades in a fleeting moment. The voices are in my head again, quizzing me mercilessly. I start to giggle at them. Their bulbous heads turn to one another. They want to know what's happening, what the sound means.

"There was a rich man from Nottingham...." I laugh so hard that I can't finish. Then I cry. I cry until I slump to the cold, metal floor. My cheek is flat against it.

Their clammy hands are on me, pulling me up. They take me to the cell. It's dark at first. Then the lights come on, brighter than ever. It makes me scream, scream until I just can't remember anymore. It's not sleep. Not so good. More like being a zombie. Hypnotized. And they leave me alone for a while.

A girl comes in. I've seen her before, but I don't know her. She puts the tray down and looks at me. Her eyes are large and watery. She doesn't speak, doesn't have to. Her plea is in her terrified gaze. She wants me to help her. I stare back blankly. No sense giving her false hope.

The door opens and one of them is there. It motions for her to leave and she shakes her head, whimpering. The long stick in its hand comes up. It prods her with it. She screams and scampers away.

When I'm alone again, I crawl like a baby to the tray. The stuff is grotesque looking and tasteless. It makes me want to vomit, but I manage to choke it down.

I lean against the wall. I can see the light even with my arm across my face. It bores through my eyelids. I'd break the lights, but I can't find them. I've looked. It comes from everywhere, even the floor.

I know they'll come for me soon. They always do. There will be more tests, more pain, more madness. I try to think, put the queasiness out of my mind. I have to be ready. There has to be a way out. It's so hard. So hard to think with the light.

I haven't slept since I've been here. I'm not sure how long. There's no night or day, only the bright white light. Why won't they turn them off?! Why?! I could sleep then. The lights give me nightmares. So bad it keeps me awake. Never could sleep except in a totally dark room.

They're at the door. The same ones from before or different ones? There's no way to tell. They're all the same. The tallest one swings the stick. It hits my ribs and the surge sends pain all the way through. I won't cry out, won't give them the pleasure. I stagger up and they drag me out. I try to retreat into myself, but the voices won't let me. They keep me aware, from thinking too far within. Random phrases swarm in my head.

"We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl...oh, baby, wish you were here."

It always disturbs them when we laugh or sing, especially if it's the Hindu guy chanting. I've seen them dragging him a few times. The big one swings the stick. It leaves a swelling red welt on my cheek.

"Mary had a little lamb...." I sing it loud, giggling and grinning like a fool. Another hit, this time to my back. I feel my kidney twitch and jerk like a jumping bean. I grunt out the next verse.

By the time they start to strap me to the table, I've been struck at least a dozen times. I gasp the words out, not really feeling the pain anymore. "...what I've been...what I've known...never seen in what I've shown...."

They shove the gag in my mouth before I can break into my highlights from Hamlet. Their rubbery hands are all over me as they adjust straps and insert skin probes. The device at the end of the table hums and comes alive. The long needle hovers over my torso. It makes me think of a mechanical scorpion. One of them wants to know more about the image. The others are more interested in how and what I feel. The needle jabs down into my belly. Hot, searing pain engulfs me. I bite down on the gag to hold in my scream and pass out. They revive me, forcing me to stay focused while they do more tests and activate more probes.

They take me back a different way and I see something. Two of them are hauling the Hindu's body toward a door. His scalp hangs over his face, showing the empty ruin of his skull. They push some buttons and I can stars across the room beyond the door. A luminous blue haze seems to keep in the air. They put the body in the room and close the door. Another sequence of buttons and I hear a faint whoosh and hum. The darkness has swallowed him, I know. Lucky devil.

A new cell, a little bigger but no dimmer. In fact, it seems even brighter and they've added this sound. I feel it more than hear it. It makes my teeth tingle and my head and ears ache with it. A long time passes. More tests, more nauseating meals.

They've impregnated the girl. She is bigger every day. When she brings the tray, her eyes are vacant. She moves like she's dreaming. I'm not sure if the baby's one of them or some sort of mix between us and them.

I don't remember them taking semen samples. I don't remember much anymore. Just the sing-song rhymes and the jewel-strewn blackness beyond that door. I wish I could die. Oh God, how I want to just sleep and never wake up.

The next time they come for me, they take me to a new room. There are others here. A little kid is curled up in a corner with the pregnant girl. He cries and clings to her for dear life. There's another man. Probably been here a lot longer than me. His whole midsection is a patchwork of incision scars. His throat has an angry red one across it. It's like some medical student decided cadavers just wouldn't do for practice. He can't speak. Just rocks and gurgles in the middle of the room.

One of them stays with us while some other prisoners are on their way. Its voice echoes in our heads. They've put us together in the hope that it will improve our health, our attitudes and our performance in their tests. I guess they finally figured out that socialization has a lot to do with how we tick.

They bring two more people, a young man and a woman who looks to be in her early thirties. It's hard to tell her real age. If they treat them all like they treat me, she could be aging beyond her years. The two kids gravitate to her. By the look of it, she's pregnant, too.

We talk in low voices as we huddle together on the floor. We tell about who we are, where we're from and everything we can remember from before. It seems like it's not very long before they come in and haul us all to our separate cells again. We look at each other with sadness and fear as they haul us apart.

They let us meet a few more times, but they don't see enough improvement. I never see the other prisoners anymore, just the one girl. She's too thin, like the baby's eating away at her. She'll die, I think. When her time comes, she'll be too weak.

New tests. They're worse, more painful. There's a very different one controlling the tests now. Its skin is lighter and it's a lot taller. Its eyes are bigger and farther apart. Its voice drowns out the rest in my head. It scares me even more.

I have to get out. Have to. I can't stay awake much longer. My head is so fuzzy. I see things all the time now. I was in my bedroom watching TV for a moment. Some cartoon. Bugs Bunny tweaked my nose. I could smell his carrot-breath. I laugh and laugh. Bang my head on the cold wall.

It's time. They're here again. The stick hits my arm. I grab it. The pain wakes up some part of my brain for a moment. They fight me into the corridor. I plow through them. The corridor turns. I see the door to oblivion. Their short legs give me an edge. I pound the buttons frantically. A satisfying beep. The stars greet me from beyond the blue haze. I smash the control panel and the door closes as they get to it. There's a blue button, seperate from the others. I look at it, tears on my cheeks. I sing my swan song.

"Ice is forming on the tips of my wings. Unheeded warnings. I thought I thought of everything...." Some of it's gone. "...A soul in tension that's learning to fly...."

I push the button and the blue haze vanishes. There's a great pressure all over. It must be like being born. I spread my arms to embrace the darkness as I fly. Then I see it as I tumble away into nothingness. Atlantis. Huge. Light-city. Floating. And then blessed darkness. Forever-sleep.


END