5 girls, school, a normal life. They lead a normal life, until one day. One of the girls turns 16, and everything changes. The other girls don't know what to do! Their friend is going crazy, or so they think. They don't know what's wrong with her! What will they do? Will they succeed in bringing their old friend back? Will their friend be normal again? Find out soon!
Coming to Sheezyart on Thursday(October 9th, 2008!)
Its pretty good.... But you repeat 'normal' twice and it loses a little excitement. I'm suggesting some adjustments: "Five girls; they do average, everyday things like going to school. They lead a normal life,together, until one day. That day has already passed; one of the girls turned 16 and everything began to change. The other girls didn't know what to do! They think their friend is going crazy.... They don'y know what's wrong with her!.... What will they do? Will they succeed in bringing their old friend back?" When it comes to numbers in a story, you should almost always write them out. So '5' should be 'five'. I added 'average' as an adjective; an adjective is something that describes something and it makes the story more detailed. The first sentence was a fragment, so I put in some words to make it complete. I changed the tense of the story, I thought it might make it more exciting. Now, these are all suggestions to help you improve... I'm not trying to make it sound like your preview is filled with mistakes; I'm being extra extra extra picky here. The idea is very good. Its gets the readers wondering...."why is the girl making her friends worry?" So, keep up the good work
P.S. Also, I'm being a hypocrite here, but try to---once you start them--- finish your stories. It'll help you become a better writer if your stories have a begginning a middle and an end.
Comments
Fanime234 Says:
Its pretty good.... But you repeat 'normal' twice and it loses a little excitement. I'm suggesting some adjustments: "Five girls; they do average, everyday things like going to school. They lead a normal life,together, until one day. That day has already passed; one of the girls turned 16 and everything began to change. The other girls didn't know what to do! They think their friend is going crazy.... They don'y know what's wrong with her!.... What will they do? Will they succeed in bringing their old friend back?" When it comes to numbers in a story, you should almost always write them out. So '5' should be 'five'. I added 'average' as an adjective; an adjective is something that describes something and it makes the story more detailed. The first sentence was a fragment, so I put in some words to make it complete. I changed the tense of the story, I thought it might make it more exciting. Now, these are all suggestions to help you improve... I'm not trying to make it sound like your preview is filled with mistakes; I'm being extra extra extra picky here. The idea is very good. Its gets the readers wondering...."why is the girl making her friends worry?" So, keep up the good work
P.S. Also, I'm being a hypocrite here, but try to---once you start them--- finish your stories. It'll help you become a better writer if your stories have a begginning a middle and an end.