'Ed-Its' 2 - Another Romantic Chain Mail

'Ed-Its' 2 - Another Romantic Chain Mail

I saw one of those "A Real Boyfriend" things a couple of times on my bulletin space, and decided that I could do far better than this silly little annoying message, that turns out to be a chain bulletin, or some shit, whatever.

I don't care if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend right now....
[Don't you? I thought this was about having a boyfriend/girlfriend. Then what is it about? Feminist bullshit?]

I dont care if you are a guy or a woman or Michael Jackson.....just read this, it will make a difference.....

[Now, I'm wondering the same damn thing as you right now...

what the hell have women got to do with this?

Plus, you can tell a Michael Jackson-hating Woman wrote this.]

> When she stares at your mouth

[ Kiss her ] <- WRONG.

The Real Answer: Bite her. This works especially well if they have some sort of retarded bite-fetish, are vampire lovers, or think that biting is still completely socially acceptable after you reach the age of 2.
Or, if you're not into that sort of thing...

Headbutt them.


In the face.

> When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you

> [ Grab her and dont let go ] <- Again, WRONG.

The Real Answer: Give them back twice as hard as they did to you. If they think they're stronger than you, DON'T TAKE THAT SHIT.
Jeez.

If they think they're stronger than you, beat them in a fight.

She won't be giving you shit for a while if shes got black eyes.


> When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff

[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ] <- Seriously, wrong.

The Real Answer: Curse the shit out of her.
Or, alternatively, actually literally curse her. She won't be giving you shit if you place a curse on that bitch.
Voodoo Doll's work best here.

Make sure you get the fuckers who think saying tough like "tuff" is cute.

> When she's quiet

[ Ask her whats wrong ] <- Sadly, Wrong.

The Real Answer: Don't do anything that might make her start talking again.
Seriously, its taken this long to get her to shut the fuck up.
Don't waste the silence.

> When she ignores you

[ Give her your attention ]<-- BZZT! Wrong!

The Real Answer: Shes doing it for attention, therefore, give her none. If she wants to ignore you for attention, then let her. She'll get the message eventually, and if you fall for it, congratulations, shes a controlling bitch.

> When she pulls away

[ Pull her back <-Wrong, Context depending.

Real Answer: It depends. If shes doing it to be cute, or to get your attention, ignore her, because shes being controlling. Also, keep her back in if you've just let off a really stinky fart. She'll love you for it in the long run.

Also, be careful, if you keep pulling her back when shes desperately trying to escape, be careful, because the way things go, you might be arrested and put in jail for attempted rape, and then you'll be the one trying to pull away.

>When you see her at her worst

[ Tell her she's beautiful ]<- Nope!

Real Answer: If she gets too many compliments, she'll get too big an ego, and we don't want that.
Though, if she wears too much make-up, then make sure she cuts it the fuck down.
Vanity is a bad thing.

>When you see her start crying

[Just hold her and dont say a word ]<- Wrong.

Real Answer: Jeez, the misogyny wears off after about 10 of these.
When shes crying, theres a chance its because shes looking for attention.
Either that or shes pregnant.

In which case, get the fuck out of there, and quick.

> When you see her walking
[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]<- Almost, but wrong.

Real Answer: Sure, hugging from behind is cute and all, but they don't know its you...

Take advantage of that fact by taking as big a run up as possible, then jumping on her back, and tackle her to the ground.

You'll both be laughing about it afterwards.


Okay, just you.

> When she's scared
[ Protect her ]<- Nope!

Real Answer: How are women supposed to fend for themselves if we keep bailing them out of all of their problems?
Therefore, don't protect them.
In fact, expose them to more things they find scary.

You'll have so many stories to tell the others at the singles club.

> When she steals your favorite hat

[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night] <- WRONG.

Real Answer: Its your favourite hat for a reason, and theres no way you're going to let that bitch take that away from you. Beat her until she surrenders it, then take one of her favourite belongings, keep it, and see how she likes it.

> When she teases you
[ Tease her back and make her laugh ] <- Still wrong.

Real Answer: Holy shit, theres still a load more to go?
The jokes getting old.

Seriously.

Okay, heres the deal, shes trying to insult you, but then trying to cover it up by making it sound cute, and calling it 'Teasing'.
So all you need to do is insult them back, but forget the 'making it sound cute' part. They'll shut up eventually.

> When she doesn't answer for a long time

[ reassure her that everything is okay ]<- Wrong.

Real Answer: Appreciate the silence.
Or, insult her for taking way too long to answer, and then yell at them for not listening to you.

Come on, they do it to you all the time.

> When she looks at you with doubt

[ Back yourself up ]<- WRONG.

Real Answer: Don't back down, Women are never right. If she looks at you with doubt, shes not following your way of thinking properly.

"Punch her in the face, to prove you're right."

Case closed.

> When she says that she likes you

[SHE REALLY DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!!!]<-Wrong.

Real Answer: Capital Letters don't make things true.

Neither do women.

> When she grabs at your hands

[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]<- Wrong.

Answer: Hold hers, then make her hit herself, because theres a reasonable 5% chance she was going to do it to you anyway, so ignore the 95% doubt, and get to slappin', boy.

> When she bumps into you;

[ bump into her back and make her laugh ] <-Wrong.

Answer: Bump into her, and knock her over.

For extra fun, do this at the top of a set of stairs.

> When she tells you a secret

> [ keep it safe and untold ] -Wrong

Real Answer: Tell everyone, especially if its really embarrassing. You know she'll do it to you when she gossips with her friends, so pre-empt that bitch, and get to spilling.

> When she looks at you in your eyes

[ dont look away until she does ]<- Sort of wrong.

Answer: Shes trying to outstare you. Don't take that shit. Stare the fuck out of the bitch, then when she does, gloat the fuck out of your victory.

"Small" and "Petty" are only words she uses to describe the size of your dick to her friends.

> When she says it's over

> [ she still wants you to be hers ]<- Wrong.

Answer: This is where stalking begins, guys.
When she dumps you, don't take that shit lying down.
Kill her pets, leave threatening phonecalls, and get revenge in loads of cruel and ironic ways.

That restraining order will come quicker than you'd think, but not before you'd had your fun!

> When she reposts this bulletin

[ she wants you to read it ] <- Wrong.

Answer: She wants me to read through it, consider it 'kind of gay', then go through it, and edit it by adding a shitton of misogyny.

> - Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.
[Don't, hang up. Seriously, if shes not talking, just hang up. It'll save time, and your brain cells]

> - When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
[Again, check to see if this doesn't look like attempted rape.]

> - When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her
[Or, Don't. Seriously, you can save so much time by not asking, and saving yourself from wasting up to hours of your life].

> - because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
[As 'That jerk I'm glad I dumped']

> - Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her
["You're dumped".]

> you love her
[No, you don't]

> - Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
[But only after everything else in the world]

> - Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
[Don't, you get diseases. Ewww.]

> - Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite

> show even if you think it's stupid.
[Then force her to watch twice as many of your movies, and yell at her every time she stops paying attention]

> - Give her the world.
[In a form of a small ball. Then throw it at her]

> - Let her wear your clothes.
[Then burn hers]

> - When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
[Unless you have something better to do, which you do.]

> - Let her know she's important.
[You know, AFTER everything else, ever.]

> - Kiss her in the pouring rain.
[Steal her umbrella, and run]

> - When she runs up to you crying, the first thing

> you say is;

> "Whose ass am I kicking baby?"
["Yours?"]


> If you do post this in the next four minutes the one

> you love will :
[Won't]
>

> Call you.
[and waste your time.]
>

> Kiss you.
[With bad breath]
>

> Love you.
[then dump you, and then try to fuck your best friends.]
>

> Text you.
[To yell at you for something]
>

> Guys foward as: "I'd be this Boyfriend."

>

> Girls foward as: "A real Boyfriend."

[Or, don't.]

My word, that was a fucking ordeal.