First things first: this seems to be based on Warcraft. Is it?
I'm not sure if Sheezy does this on it's own, but you should really put an extra space between each paragraph, and two between areas/scenarios in the story: ie: between the forest and the village.
Explain Alzerian in greater depth; use its amazing beauty to draw readers into the fiction's world. By the time the increased number of wars is introduced, the reader should be somewhat attached or immersed in the world. Explain the races and their traits, their fueds and a little of their history.
The story seems to be dialouge driven, and the main characters could be introduced one at a time. This can either be done via introduction during the storyline, such as one calling to the other, then both being explained in detail, or naming off each character and detailing their traits. The introduction of the best friend seemed a little sudden. Like one minute he didn't exist, then the next minute, he did. Try to avoid this, as it may confuse a reader.
Back on the dialouge driven subject, this alienates the reader from the piece. i.e: a stranger listening to you and you're friend's conversation. Also, it is good to early on introduce a character that has little understanding of the situation. This character, though playing a large role in the story, drive the plot forward. This will allow and explanation, though not directed at the reader, for the situation.
Now, if Sheezy did not press all of this together, the first sentence and last sentences are apart from the rest. This makes the piece easier to read and keep one's place. See? This comment was not only a critique, but also a lesson in itself.
Comments
Darkgun Says:
This is a long one, so be ready
First things first: this seems to be based on Warcraft. Is it?
I'm not sure if Sheezy does this on it's own, but you should really put an extra space between each paragraph, and two between areas/scenarios in the story: ie: between the forest and the village.
Explain Alzerian in greater depth; use its amazing beauty to draw readers into the fiction's world. By the time the increased number of wars is introduced, the reader should be somewhat attached or immersed in the world. Explain the races and their traits, their fueds and a little of their history.
The story seems to be dialouge driven, and the main characters could be introduced one at a time. This can either be done via introduction during the storyline, such as one calling to the other, then both being explained in detail, or naming off each character and detailing their traits. The introduction of the best friend seemed a little sudden. Like one minute he didn't exist, then the next minute, he did. Try to avoid this, as it may confuse a reader.
Back on the dialouge driven subject, this alienates the reader from the piece. i.e: a stranger listening to you and you're friend's conversation. Also, it is good to early on introduce a character that has little understanding of the situation. This character, though playing a large role in the story, drive the plot forward. This will allow and explanation, though not directed at the reader, for the situation.
Now, if Sheezy did not press all of this together, the first sentence and last sentences are apart from the rest. This makes the piece easier to read and keep one's place. See? This comment was not only a critique, but also a lesson in itself.
stickmen Says:
yh i think the same