Seeking Enlightenment

Seeking Enlightenment

In this, Demetrius Alexander Taylor, my character, is being questioned by his Avatar in an attempt to gain greater enlightenment. An Avatar, for those who have not played Mage: the Ascention (<--which does not belong to me *S*) is basically the part of a mage's soul that allows them to work magick. The Nephandi are evil, corrupted mages and the Tellurian is sum of everything, of all worlds, etc. Lucas Yamashita belongs to Cue and Spit (Robert Taylor) belongs to Bill, Bex belongs to jcox and Vilorn Ravencourt belongs to Shinigami. The art for this was done by Cue for me. ((Thanks Cue!! You ROCK!!))


I stayed up very late that night, just thinking about all that had happened since I moved here. I'd met a man who had quickly become my best friend, Lucas Yamashita. My brothers, Julien, Richard, and Damien had come to live with Fate and I, hiding from those who would kill us. My friend Bex had told me he loved me more than his girlfriend, my cousin, Madison Taylor. I eventually gave up on sleep all together and went into the patch of woods behind our new house to have a long talk with myself. I found a nice little clearing without any trouble. There was a pond there, not much larger than our bathroom floor, but relatively deep. Dark reflections of the stars swam in the water and dew had collected on the grass, sparkling like diamond dust. I half expected a troupe of pixies to march past, so I wasn’t that surprised when a tiny dragon peered at me from under a wild patch of lilacs. I knew what it was in an instant.
“So you’re my avatar!”
With great dignity, “Why yes. Yes I am. This seemed as good a time as any. Better than most, in fact. Now, tell me what’s on your mind. I might even be able to help.” He glanced around, “But please don’t mind if I don’t seem to be paying attention. I promise I am.” At that, he began to flit about, looking into flowers and in shadows.
“Bex. I really like him, but tonight has made me feel a little strange about him. He has been so serious about Madison, at least as far as anyone could tell, and then he pops out with that little tidbit… It just seems… flakey, I guess. He said he wouldn’t give me up without a fight and it actually made me angry.”
“And why is that?” he queried, pulling up a rock so he could look under it. He crunched a few bugs and moved on.
I thought long and hard, probing for the answer. “I was never his. I don’t appreciate his claiming me that way without ever giving me any indication whatsoever as to how he felt. I don’t like that he is so possessive. It pisses me off that he feels that way. It makes me feel like an object to be owned and not a person to be won. A fight,” I snorted. “The spoils of war I am not.”
The dragon snickered in agreement. “And if he had simply asked you?”
Once again, I had to think about it. “No. I don’t want him that way. First, I am fairly certain that he cares more for Madison than he is currently willing to admit to himself. I think this may be his fear of commitment surfacing in a uniquely Bex-ish way. Had our positions been reversed, I am sure he’d be saying the same statement to Madison. I think he is afraid of responsibility and a relationship, especially a serious one, is a very big commitment.
“Secondly, he’s at a point in his life where he wants a long-term relationship. I know I’m not ready for a serious relationship. I believe that he is, if he will let himself. That’s another reason I don’t want him. Personality-wise, we make great friends, but I do not believe we could succeed as more than part-time lovers. And finally, I know I would have to share him with so many others! I don’t mind sharing if I have a choice. But, damn it! I’ve had to share everything for most of my life. I want to be selfish, just for a little while.”
“Maybe you ought to talk to a grownup about that. Someone who, theoretically, has gone through all of the teenage BS. Perhaps Spit. He’s more than old enough.” I wondered what the little dragon found so amusing about that, but suspected he wouldn’t tell me as he’d just shoved his head into a flower to snuffle loudly.
“I suppose your right...”
“Of course I’m right, Silly!” I threw a wad of grass at him, but missed. “Oh, do it again.” He began practicing aerial acrobatics. “But do continue.”
“I’ll be so glad when this is all over in another few years. I’m really sick of my hormones running rampant, like unto the hordes of Mongols over Europe.”
“Go back now. Call your dad. After you’ve spoken with him, come back here.” I nodded and dodged the dive-bombing dragon. I finally slept just as dawn’s rosy fingers, yada-yada. I did as I was instructed and asked my father about ‘finding myself.’ I silently vowed to never, ever use that term again.
Also as instructed, I went back to the little pool and sat down. I knew he was there when he screeched like a banshee at a Celine Dion concert and dived at my head. I threw myself to the ground and then rolled up to my feet, now holding a big stick. He eyed it speculatively a moment, then settled into a fern. “Now that you know this is normal, let us discuss the reasons behind it. Why do you now feel the need to do this? Please think long before answering.”
I did, wondering how to ramble less. “It seems to me that a mage must know himself very, very well. I think that if one attempts to manipulate reality without full knowledge of the self, then… impurities may leak in. Magic begins to go awry and so forth. A mage can be completely barmy, but as long as they know themselves, it shouldn’t affect them.”
I paused a while. “I know myself, but only in the context of the family. I do not know who I am separate from them. If I were to never be separated from them, if I would never need to stand alone from them, this might not be a problem. However, I do not foresee a future where that is possible. I am more than Fate’s advisor. I am more than Richard’s brother or Spit’s son. I am Demetrius Alexander and I need to discover who that is. I cannot do that surrounded by my family. They have too much influence over my daily life to be able to clearly delineate where I end and they begin if they are always near.
“It is different with Richard, Julian, and Damian. I know them so well that it’s both easier and harder to separate. Nevertheless, Richard and Julian seem to know where the lines are, and while Damian doesn’t, he also does not intrude. He, out of all of us, rests easiest in his own skin, I think. With just those three, I think I can do this. Moreover, Fate, while she is an integral part of me, is so different that I know the bonds between us and so they will not interfere with me. Hell, I thought it odd that she is giving me so much free time, so much alone time, but I wonder if she doesn’t know exactly what I’m doing and is encouraging it in her own way. I would not put it beyond her.”
He looked up from where he floated in the water. “And where does your family fit into all of this?”
I sighed. “I do not yet know. My family is the most important thing in the world to me. My magick can only help them. How can I properly do my magick if I do not know myself? How can I know if I am being an impartial judge if I do not understand my own motivations? This is a thing I must do. I still feel guilty due to the fact that this is blocking them out of a part of my life. I think I will grow more comfortable with it the longer I am ‘away’ from them. The guilt is also very likely a symptom of separation anxiety. That too will fade.”
“What is a Demetrius?”
“Whew. That’s a big one. That’s what I am trying to find out. But so far, a Demetrius seems to be a hyperactive, intelligent, mischievous little nerd.” I grinned, “And I like him so far. I have been examining the reasons behind my sleep disorder. I believe it is because I the fear I always felt in my father’s home returns to me in the moments before sleep. I still fear the complete rejection, the loss of everything close to me. I am beginning to accept that there will always be loss. There will always be rejection, even from my brothers. However, it is not a rejection of me. It is a rejection of what I am doing at the time, what ever it might be. Just as I am not rejecting Julian, I am rejecting his insanity.”
“There is more,” he warned. I nodded, pondering.
“Much more, I know. I have always tried never to reject anyone. Yet I have just rejected Bex’s advances. I am not happy about that, but I know in my heart of hearts that it is for the best. This comforts me. I think I may have been incapable of rejection before for fear that I would then be rejected. It’s okay now. The fear is dying as much as it ever will. I think I’ve finally figured out that rejection isn’t the end of the world. Life will go on. My life will go on.”
“Lucas.”
“Oh, that’s an easy one at least. I adore him. I find him terribly fascinating, like a book that I can only make out a few lines of. I hope to be able to read more someday. I think he’s wonderful, but I’m not in love. I figured out we wouldn’t be together early on. I suspected it before then. Besides, I insist on full disclosure; there can never be that between the two of us. That’s fine so long as we are only friends with benefits. I like it this way. I’d really like to get to know Ethan, though. I feel strange not knowing him.”
He nodded. “You father.”
“Which one?” He shrugged. “Spit. Spit has been my father in every meaningful way since I met him. He’s ok with me and Lucas, seems to actually be glad that I’m doing the rebellion thing. He’s more concerned than he let on, but I think he’s going to let me reach out and touch the fire. I have to learn sometime, after all. I love him with all my heart. He’s a lot like Papa was before.”
My eyes widened as I had a burst of understanding. “He died. Papa died when Mama did. That drunk was not my father, not really. Everyone has something they cannot survive; Mama dying was his. His body lived on, but his soul left with her.” I felt an old wound heal inside me and I began to cry, bright joyous tears.
“Go now, sleep. Come back at dusk.” And I did.
On the third day of his questioning, my Avatar ceased to ask about my family and began to get into the tough stuff. I sat down with a thermos full of hot OJ and a box of crackers. “What is Reality?”
I spent a good fifteen minutes thinking on that one. “Silly putty, water, sand. Like all these things, there are certain interactions with magic. But metaphors are just that: metaphors. It is all of these things and none. I don’t want to use them because they are too pervasive. I don’t want to be so caught up in my metaphor that I cannot see with eyes unclouded by it. Reality is what I make of it, but I can only shape those things close to me. There are too many other people and things with their own little bit of it for me to do much right now. That will change as I grow in power.”
“What is power?” I spent a day thinking that over it.
“Many things. I have power because I can crush this bug. It is physical power and the power to give death. I have power over it because I can also choose to spare it, the power of life. But this little mosquito might also have the same power over me. If it drinks of me and carries some disease, it can kill me, though it is tiny and fragile. If it carries disease and does not drink of me, then it has chosen to preserve me. There is the power not just to preserve life, but to create it. I have that, just not the will to do it. I create things, which is also power. My sketches can inspire awe, terror, love, all the strongest emotions should I fashion them well. That is power. My words have power to do the same. I know that I can destroy someone with a well-chosen sentence. Likewise, I can build them up, make them stronger… It seems to be easier to destroy then to build with words. I wonder why.”
We pondered that a bit, but came up with no real testable theories. “Anyway, I have power because I will be opening a store. With my books, I will spread the boundaries of peoples’ minds just a little farther, get them to question a little more. I will have power because I can hire and fire, thus affecting the livelihoods of other individuals. Someday I will be able to throw fireballs. That is also power. I will have even more knowledge and that is power. Power is in all things at all times. Even the supposedly powerless, like Damien, have a sort of power. It is all pervasive. It is life. It is death. It is existing. In all things is power because the ultimate Power is the Prime. And nothing exists that does not carry the Essence within it. I believe all other Spheres grow out of the Prime, that once they were all One, and that is the Tenth Sphere: the perfect blending of them all. Prime is the first division.”
“What is The Purpose?” It was a day before I answered.
“Creation. Why else would all things feel the need to make more of itself? Survival of the species, of course, but why do we need more than one, anyway? If it were only to have a thing in existence, there would need be only one.
“Instead, we die to make room for more and more. We wouldn’t need to otherwise. Death exists to spur us on. We’d never make more of ourselves otherwise. And humans and our Kin have risen to the top because we, unlike anything else, knowingly create more than offspring. We create sculpture, stories, song. Hell, we even create gods! We create beauty. And the Universe rewards beauty, loves it. Look around and see that all things are beautiful. The spider’s web is a work of art, though it does not know it. The tree is beautiful, and the pond. Beauty in all things, if one looks aright. It is only those things corrupted, perverted, that have no beauty! So I guess that the Purpose is the creation of beauty, and its preservation to some extent.” I felt I was growing close to something.
“But humans destroy.”
“So does time, ants, and rivers. We just happen to be the best at it. If something were never destroyed, it would be perfect, unchanging and static. Because once perfection is reached, there is absolutely nowhere else to go. The goal is to reach for perfection, not to ever actually achieve it. I believe that is the intended and True Ending to the Universe: perfection. We reach it and everything stops, is destroyed, and a new world is born to begin again. Because there are many forms of perfection, I think. As many as there are flaws. And so each of them must be explored, which is why the worlds keep happening, keep being born. The Big Bang is the demarcation of where perfection has been reached. It is the total bliss of a Universe, and all things in it, as it finally achieves… I don’t know, the Tellurian’s version of orgasm, which is the death that is beginning of life. The Big Bang.”
“And what of Magick in this?” Another day, a little closer.
“We have Magick so that perfection may eventually be reached. The so-called natural laws do not allow for it, so we have this way to change the rules. Someday, we will have shaped the world to allow it. Till then, we must argue, fight, and die because we all have our own ideas as to where perfection lies. And we are all, every one of us, right and wrong. No single person is large enough to hold perfection, so it is scattered, a single shard of it in all of us. Someday, the shards will rejoin. You are my piece of the Perfect Whole. I think it is not the Pure Ones, but the Pure One. Even the plural eventually joins to make The One. We grow closer to the day it is supposed to happen. The shards are coming together. But I do not think that this spin of the Wheel is when we reach it. Not unless the goal is Perfect Impurity. And that way lies Nephandery.”
“I cannot think that the Nephandi are anything but mistaken. They have, I’m sure, some very persuasive points, but as virtually every culture in virtually every time and place has believed that their way is wrong… Well, I believe that this is a sign of inner Wisdom, subliminal, but within every thing that is. If even the inanimate things know they are a wrongness, shrink away from their touch, then the many shards of perfection must be saying they are wrong.
“I suppose they are right too. There will come a time when the Wheel must be destroyed, but not yet. Like I said, it is the Nirvana. It is Golconda. It is the Bliss of Heaven that exists, for an instant and an eternity before the new world is born. I Will it so.” I felt a certainty growing in me, that the answer I had been seeking was right on the edge of my consciousness, just at the corner of my eye.
“Why do you need power?” So close!
“So I can do my part to bring that moment! To bring, perhaps at the end of the next turn of the Wheel, perfection!” And understanding burst, rolled over me like an orgasm.
“So mote it be!” he shrieked, for a moment a living Flame, and a gust of Air, a glimmer of Lunargent, and a burst of Water: a shadow of Perfect Oneness. He went past me, though me, over me and under me. And I felt… whole for an instant. I heard his Call and knew I had many more discoveries before me. And it made me smile.

((end transmission))