Fairy Tales Have Nothing to do With Fairies

Fairy Tales Have Nothing to do With Fairies

Once upon a time... Ugh, what a tacky way to begin a story, 'once upon a time.' Good Gods, why can't people just say when and where the story begins, instead of romanticizing it and putting mysterious airs into every word? It gets on my nerves considering how amazingly gory some of our best tales are.

But, I suppose my story could be considered a 'fairy tale.' I think I'll stick to third person, though, if you don't mind. I, personally, am fed up with this, though, since my ending isn't particularly glamorous. I'm telling this from the afterlife, as you may know, and it isn't the 'great Glorious Sky-Place' everyone thinks it is. I mean, if I wait in line for an hour, don't I deserve the pudding I was promised? ...But, I digress. How did I die? Glad you asked. My name is Lunata, and this is my so-called fairy tale. Enjoy. At least one of us should.

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful young woman named Princess Lunata. While her grace, kindness, and quick mind made her a fine daughter, she disliked the roles that were thrust upon her by the men of the kingdom.

"I don't want to sit around memorizing our family history. I want to save people!" Lunata cried, throwing her half-written essay on King Arthur - the biggest hero of the times, and a distant relative, supposedly, of Lunata's mother - to the ground.

"I know, love, but you're not a prince, you're a princess. It's your job to sit quietly, and look beautiful," her teacher replied sternly, "now pick that up at once."

"But Jacob gets to shoot his bow and arrows all day, and he's only six! It's not fair." Lunata scowled petulantly and picked up her parchment and quill, narrowly avoiding the arrow that thunked into the wall just over her head.

"He's a prince, highness. Please finish your paper now. You've only got another hour before your sewing lesson."

Lunata sighed and did as she was told.

That evening Lunata peered out her window, estimating what phase the moon was in, and smiled as she realized it wasn't quite full yet. She leapt out her window and landed on the soft earth without a sound. Padding on delicate slippered feet into the Kingdom stables, she swiftly saddled her horse, a brindle mare named Clover, and walked over to a pile of hay in the corner. From this she unearthed an intricately carved oak trunk, which held a suit of armor she'd been fitted for two months ago.

Lunata put on the armor; then she and Clover rode out into the Deep Woods, where all evil came from. Only the bravest of souls, or the most foolhardy, dared venture there by day, and by night it was nearly unthinkable. Still, wayward travelers often stumbled in by mistake, and Lunata considered it her duty to get them out.

She hadn't been hidden in the shelter of the trees for more than five minutes when a high-pitched scream assaulted her eardrums. "Yah!" Lunata shouted, riding quickly towards the scream. In a clearing lay a princess of about the same age as Lunata. She was being menaced by a massive dragon that towered over them both, steam pouring from its fetid snout.

"Halt, dragon!" Lunata roared, and rushed in between princess and dragon.She thrust swiftly at the behemoth thrice with her sword - blessed by Merlin himself, it was powerful enough to kill any foe in one strike, but Lunata believed in caution when dealing with dragons. The dragon gave a shriek so high and filled with pain that Lunata thought her ears were damaged for good, and began the long fall to the ground. The princess looked up and stood screaming as it fell towards her until Lunata swept her out of the way. The dragon hit the ground and the earth trembled, shaking both girls violently.

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall," Lunata said smugly once the aftershocks were done, unknowingly coining a phrase that a conspiracy in the distant future would eventually corrupt and turn into a cliche.

"Thank you so much!" the princess cried, rushing over to smile up at Lunata. "Might I gaze upon the face of the man who saved my life?"

Lunata hseitated, then shook her head and replied in a deep voice, "no time. Others may be in danger from far worse creatures than this," she gestured to the dragon's corpse, "and I am honor-bound to help them." With that, she rode off into the night.

"But, but..." The princess, whose name was Jordanna, stared after her savior in awe, not sure why he wouldn't stick around. She'd been told by most of the kingdom that she was wonderful company, after all. "I never believed in love at first sight," she whispered, "before now..." She hurried home to requisition a spell from the Sorcerer that worked for her father. "I need a spell to make my savior become my true love!"

The Sorcerer eyed her warily, and after a moment he mixed a variety of ingredients together, pouring the whole concoction into a glass vial. "Here," he said. "Simply sprinkle this over the land where you met your beloved," he said this with an air of sarcasm, for Jordanna 'fell in love' with just about anyone who tolerated her flighty ways, "and he will be yours."

"Thank you!" Jordanna cried, and hurried off to do so.

The rest of the night flew by for Lunata, who finally climbed back into bed just before dawn, having saved two more princesses - stupid girls, you'd think they would learn, she thought with a roll of her eyes - and one very handsome, though slightly klutzy prince. He was quite handsome, and after talking with him about the different styles of swords and quarterstaffs, she found that she was quite in love with him. Blast falling in love... But I couldn't help it; we had so much in common...

"I'll talk to him tomorrow," she decided, and fell asleep.

When Lunata woke it was already dusk. She'd slept the day away! As she sat up she realized something wasn't quite right. "I feel funny," Lunata said to herself, not noticing the lower timbre of her voice, and shrugged. Probably just stiff from riding last night. She began to dress, but none of her clothing fit right. "What is going on?" she wondered, and moved in front of the mirror. Staring at her reflaction, she let out what was meant to be a shriek, but came out more like a bellow.

Reflected back at her, instead of a beautiful young woman, was a rather handsome man. "What in the Seven Hells has been done to me? Have I been cursed again?" A sudden pain ripped through her body, and Lunata groaned. "Oh, no..." She staggered to the window and looked outside; sure enough, it was a full moon. No wonder nobody woke me... They must have assumed I was resting for tonight.

Lunata leapt from the window and took off towards the woods, hoping to make it before she changed completely. Her bones shifted and crackled inside of her, and her cry of pain ended with a howl. She dropped to all fours, now in the shape of a hulking wolf, and shook herself before scenting a rabbit nearby. She gave a small barking sound and took off after it.

Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one hunting in the Deep Woods that night.

Prince Larken, the very same man Lunata had fallen for the night before, was riding alone under the soft light of the full moon, tracking some large beast. He saw a flash of grey fur to his right and gave chase, drawing his bow and specially made arrows. Since the tips were pure silver, they were guaranteed to kill anythingh these foul woods could spit out.

"Die, pestilence!" he yelled, and fired three arrows in swift succession. One missed and thudded into a tree trunk, but a short yelp told Larken that his other messengers of death had hit home. "This beast is enormous!" he gasped, staring at the dead wolf, which was easily the size of a pony. "I shall have to bring more men upon the morn to help me bring it home."

The following morning Jordanna made her way back to the clearing, hoping to find her prince. The Sorcerer had informed her that he would be irresistibly drawn to the spot where they met, and would fall in love with her the instant he saw her. She sighed happily - but her joy was short-lived. For in the clearing was not her husband-to-be, but a wolf, with two arrows sticking out of its side. Jordanna's heart broke.

She fell upon the wolf and cried bitterly.

"Why do you weep for my kill?" a quizzical voice asked from behind her.

Jordanna's heart soared when she turned and saw Prince Larken upon his steed.

"I don't know," she replied, smiling sweetly. He came, he really came... I'll never doubt that batty Sorcerer again!

As soon as Larken laid eyes on Jordanna his heart was hers. The Sorcerer's spell had worked, drawing Jordanna's true love to the clearing, but since she'd never met him, it had an unfortunate side effect on the person she had met there. Larken swept Jordanna onto his horse and they rode off to live happily ever after, leaving the wolf for his disgruntled friends to haul back to the castle.

"We shall dine on wolf meat tonight," Larken declared proudly to his newfound love. "I'll enjoy it all the more knowing I killed it myself, and more importantly, that it led me to you, my love." Jordanna smiled and nodded, looking forward to the meal.

Of course, when Jordanna found a human finger in her supper that evening, she knew better than to ask questions.

The End