Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

Blizzard
“The money didn’t last”
Jade, pilgrim, funnybone, jingle

The money didn’t last. Of course it wouldn’t last. Why would it last? She’d only bought everything in that goddamned store. “Shop ‘till you drop,” she’d said to him every time he even hinted that he wanted to leave. “We need presents for ‘so-and-so’,” she’d said every time he’d questioned the validity of an item she’d plucked from a shelf. He snorted. Shop till you run out of taxi money is more like it.

The lack of aforementioned taxi money left them stranded at the department store in downtown Manhattan, with a thousand bags of frilly shit, in the middle of the biggest blizzard of the year, and a hotel that was twenty-seven blocks away. He hated Christmas.

“So, let’s see what we have here!” He reached into one of the dozens of two-ton bags he was carrying and grabbed the first thing his hand touched, a gesture he appreciated because he was surprised that his hands could still feel at all. He yanked the mystery item out, staring at it through the flurries of snow whirling in front of his face.

“Shoes!” he yelled, turning to glance back at his beautiful blonde airhead girlfriend, straggling behind in high pumps that were rapidly filling with snow. “Green shoes!” He shook the purchased shoes at her, not sure if she could even see farther than three feet in this snowstorm, and not caring if she could or not. He brought them closer to his face to read the price tag. “$300 green shoes!”

She stopped in her tracks, stomping her foot and glaring at him from where he stood at least twenty feet ahead of her. “That color is not green! They’re jade!” Her voice barely reached him above the storm.

He raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. “Oh! Jade shoes?? Well I’m sorry, I didn’t know! Forgive my ignorance!” Without hesitation he raised the shoes above his head and hurled them across the street before turning to keep walking toward their hotel, feeling like a weary pilgrim trudging through unknown territory.

Her shriek could have shattered glass. “My shoes!” What the hell did you do that for?? Go get those back right now!”

He laughed, not turning around. “You wanna know why? Because we’re walking through a fucking blizzard, and I’m tired of carrying this shit! And I’m gonna keep throwing shit, until aaaalll of these bags are empty!”

“Don’t you fucking dare, I will kick your ass!”

“You couldn’t kick a shoe across our hotel room! Especially since they’re probably frozen to your fucking feet!”

“Screw you!”

He ignored her and pulled out the next item in the bag, an unknown garment that was black and lacy and partly see-through. He was almost loathe to throw it away, but since he wasn’t going to be getting any tonight anyway, he made up his mind fairly quickly and balled it up and tossed it in the street. His arms were shivering and mostly numb, as if someone were pressing their thumbs into his funnybone. It was quite uncomfortable.

“Jesus, if you knew we needed a taxi, why didn’t you just return something??”

“Why? Why?? I’ll tell you why: Because your skinny ass was in the damn bathroom so long, the fucking stores closed!! And by the time I remembered I’d given you the last of my money, it was too damn late!”

“Don’t get mad at me, I don’t like this any more than you do! Where are you going, wait for me! Come help me with these bags!”

He stopped in his tracks, his eyes narrowed so much they were almost frozen shut. He’d have ground his teeth together if they weren’t chattering so much. “Oh, you want help??” He took the bags he was carrying and walked toward a nearby trash can, stuffing them all in and kicking it for good measure. “I’ll help, then!”

He hated Christmas. If the hotel was playing “Jingle Bells” in the lobby he was going to punch someone in the face.