Apology letter to sarah

Apology letter to sarah

Dear S,
 
Hello how are you?  I thought I should write this out like a real letter because none over the age of 50 still does and I want to one up H.P.L.  Well I pissed you the fuck off and you asked if I was telling the truth or not. So here is how I really feel, I swear upon Megadeth's first CD, Dune, H.P. Lovecraft’s judgmental grave, and whatever else I probably believe in (next to nothing).  So here you go: a semi-olive branch, a shitty report, my feelings, and the first time I’ve actually really look at me feelings in a while.  I am writing this because you asked how you knew something was the truth and I have been meaning to let you know how I feel about you.
 
Well might as well start at the beginning I may have had a small, I repeat a small crush on you back when I first met you. However you made it clear you didn't want a relationship. (Thank you for doing that early, btw).  You said you were not interested in a relationship. All of the reasons I could think up both real and unreal said that you didn't have any interest only with different reasons.  I took this for all of the explanations that were remotely reasonable and got the fuck over it.  I know burying my emotions is very unhealthy but I will outlive my enemies, or go on a big ass rampage. So I will either save you a seat in hell or someone will have to save me one.  I do know you do lie a lot but I figured that this was the truth in some form or another. If only because it would lead to less problems as time went one, and you have also brought it up again.   So I got the point.
 
I was content being friends, you helped alleviate some of the chronic boredom and I guess I might have helped you in that regard because you've bitched at me for not being on but hell if I know.  You seem to be a natural flirt or maybe you're more bored than I gave you credit for, so I decided to play along. Being ST and actually playing with someone else, as one can be fun.  I have only played as hard or as long as you did, sorry if I gave you the wrong impression because of this. 
 
Now then you have actually given me insomnia on a few nights because I could not read how you felt or know what to do about it.  You have said a few things that have confused the living fuck out of me thus giving me insomnia.  I then responded with confusion first in mind and was waiting to see if the shit would hit the fan or hear that it was a twisted joke of some kind.  Todd is another source of where I get my confusion from; I do not know what you said to him or vice versa.  He cannot give any good info on any conversation he has had and tends to not tell anyone everything they actually need when passing a message.  This has led to much frustration when trying to figure out what the fuck he was talking about.  Todd is under the impression that you have feelings for me, I do not know if you do or don't. That is your own damn business until you decide to share them with anyone.  This has led to a lot of my confusion because he says that I should do something along the lines of romantic-ish for you, the complete opposite of what you told me you wanted.  I have been trying to figure out what to do about what he said I should do.  Looks like inspiration finally hit me, the most honest I've been in a while that didn't involve blinding hatred directed to some bastard.
 
You said you lied a lot on the Internet, because you are not affiliated with the government I decided to take this at face value.  I cannot make heads or tails of you sometime or what you fucking want and what you are feeling. You seem to be introverted, but you'll change for whatever person you meet or to what you think that person wants or needs.  I think I have been sending as many or more mixed messages I have received thus making it harder to understand what the fuck either of us means.  I will admit I also do the same thing because I bury my emotions and would just rather help someone else out then deal with how I feel.  I have been trying to get everyone to stop doing that around me and to relax. I do not know if it has been working or not. I do sincerely hope it has. When you seem to be relaxed you're a good conversationalist, and I can get a read off of you, you are also not as big a flirt.  However when you aren't you go back to being an enigma, everyone seem to do that to avoid getting hurt.
 
I don't know what S thinks of me, or how you feel, David (the grammar and extensive use of pronouns made me refer to myself and you in the 3rd person) thinks we're friends on some level or another.  You seem to be full of some really weird quirks, you're an interesting person, and you didn't completely hate me. I don't want to lose you as a friend over a misunderstanding especially something like this.  If I did want to lose contact with you I would be direct about it. Any bridges I burned would be intestinal, with as much hate and malaise as I can muster, much of which consists of personal attacks as well as bringing up any and everything you told me in confidence, along with everything I hate about you and probably something to do with hating on something you actually care about; so that I could leave without caring.  Or I would leave without a trace like a cat I would think of you from time to time and might come back out of the blue every once in a while just as an observer and eventually fade from memory the internet has made that option extremely easy.   I have not engaged in either.
 
I did not mean to piss you off or hit any sore spots.  If I did I wouldn't be coming back here trying to get in your good graces. Well that's the fucking truth from me. I hope it this what you were looking for.
 
Please respond to this so I know you got it or I will bring it up again next time I talk to you.  Hope you read all of it.  For whatever good it'll do I am sorry and did not mean to hurt or confuse you, never wanted to be that guy so I will do what I have to, to repent, earn back what I've lost, and get you to forgive me.  I wrote this to throw a few things out in the open.  I will elaborate on anything you want or answer any questions you have.
 
The poster child of [insert name]=epic phail right now,
(Place above title here) David