First Love

First Love

I was in the library, pretending to read a book, waiting. I always made sure I was there before Jeremy so he didn’t think I was following him. He entered soon enough, and on recognising me, he smiled.
He grabbed a book and sat down on the opposite side of the table I was sitting and began reading it.
Talk to him, a small voice in my head told me, but I ignored it.
I think I’ll just admire him from afar, I told it.
Coward, the voice sneered.

I stared at the letters on the page. Without me focusing on them, they danced and swirled around. I was tired. I closed my eyes and then looked at him again. My heart lurched.
Who am I kidding? It’s not enough just to admire him from afar!
That voice in my head from before started buzzing loudly, urging me.
But what’s the alternative? I asked it.

I looked at the page again and the letters were still moving. I tried reading the words but they wouldn’t stay still, and it was giving me a headache. I could hear my heart pounding.

Memories came to me full force, adding to my dizziness. I closed my eyes and I could see it all clearly. I went back in time, back to when I was still a girl at school, back in grade six. A time in my life I hadn’t thought about in years.

Teyana

Teyana was a porcelain doll, so small and fragile and beautiful, with red streams of hair down to her waist. She was hollow inside. I often stayed over at her house. We were best friends, we shared secrets.
Who do you like?
‘Do you promise not to tell anyone?’
Cross my heart and hope to die.
‘I like Joseph.’ I blushed.
No way, I think he likes you too!
‘No he doesn’t, he hates me.’
No, he just pretends he does to hide his true feelings! He loves you, I’m sure of it.
‘I don’t believe you.’

Joseph

Joseph wasn’t all that good looking. He was short with two front buck teeth, but he was smart. He got A’s in every subject. He spoke as if he were in a constant state of boredom, and his eyelids were always half-closed. He could also be cruel. I once overheard him saying that he thought I was a retard, and that I wouldn’t accomplish anything in life. I wonder now if it was his brilliance or his cruelty that I was attracted to.
Our teacher had us work together for a team assignment.
I’m not going to work with her, he sneered.
The teacher had a rule that if you insulted another student, you have to give them three compliments,
But she’s a moron! There’s nothing I like about her.
He had to give me six.
I suppose she’s… not… completely hideous.
That one didn’t count.
She’s… a nice person I guess and her... hair is kind of… nice I’m sorry I can’t do this, I’ll just take the detention.
I didn’t stop smiling the rest of the day. He thinks I have nice hair! It was the most I could have hoped for from him.

Melissa

Melissa was a friend of Teyana and Joseph, and lots of other people, too. She was rather popular, actually,
Hey, Joseph just told me he loves you!
‘Really?’
Yeah, he said he thinks you’re a babe. You should tell him that you love him.
‘What makes you think I love him?’
Everyone knows! Anyway, he loves you but he’s shy. You should tell him how you feel!
In the distance Melissa’s friends were giggling, Teyana amongst them.

The whole of Grade Six

One by one every one of the girls in my class came up to me and told me that he liked me.

Romeo and Juliet

I was at Teyana’s house and I saw a piece of paper with words written and decorated in bright-coloured textas. It said,
“Romeo and Juliet starring the true-life lovers, Joseph and Rebeckah!”
‘What is this?’ I asked.
Melissa was handing them out. She thought it was funny.
‘You promised not to tell anyone.’
I didn’t, I swear to God! It was all Melissa. She guessed somehow!
‘Oh.’
So are you going to tell him that you love him?
‘But I don’t think I love him, I just like him.’
No, you love him. I can tell. I’m never wrong about these things. It’s true love.
‘Oh, okay.’

Michael

I never knew Michael that well. He was a nice kid though, friendly, and he got along well with teachers. He came up to me at recess, once.
Teyana’s not a very good friend.
‘What?’
You shouldn’t hang around her so much. She’s not a nice person.
‘She’s the only friend I have.’
Well she’s not a very good one. I just thought you should know.
I wondered about that incident from time to time, but not too much.

Joseph and Teyana

I overheard Joseph and Teyana arguing about me.
You’re the one who said she’s a moron, she said.
Obviously, if she listens to you! This- he waved a piece of paper in her face. I recognized it. It was the “Romeo and Juliet” pamphlet. Teyana saw me.
Hi, Rebeckah!
Joseph walked away.

Carmen

Carmen didn’t go to our school. She was a friend from church, who was like an older sister to me.
‘There’s this boy I like, and everyone is telling me he likes me too, but I’m not so sure.’
Why do you doubt them? You’re a really nice girl, I bet lots of guys like you. Don’t you trust your friends?
‘I don’t know. I kind of get the feeling it’s just some prank. I can feel them laughing at me behind my back.’
And everyone’s in on it?
‘Most of the girls.’
And how long has this been going on?
‘A few months.’
Oh, you’re just being paranoid. I don’t think most of the girls in your class would collectively spend months trying to convince you that a boy likes you if it wasn’t true. You couldn’t possibly be that interesting.

At night

My infatuation for Joseph was turning into an obsession with the encouragement of my classmates, I stayed up every night considering the possibility. I had strong doubts, but my hopes were even stronger.

Joseph and Melissa

Joseph and Melissa were standing outside the classroom waiting for the class to start. I walked up to them in mid-conversation.
…and she really believes you love her! It’s so funny.

Then the teacher came.

The Note

Joseph sat behind me in class, and he passed me a note. I stared at it for a moment before opening it, but then I did open it.

Dear Rebeckah,
I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
Joe

I wrote one back.

I know you don’t like me! I was just playing along. (It was half-true. I had known he didn’t like me since five-minutes ago.)

Again he passed it back.

Sure, I believe you. NOT!


I opened my eyes. I was back in the library. I looked at the clock, hardly any time had passed. Ahead of me was Jeremy, reading a book.
What’s the alternative?
He caught me staring at him, and I blushed.
‘What are you reading?’ I asked.