Land of the Dead

Land of the Dead

Land of the Dead

Ok this may not seem like such a big sacrifice to life in order to move on but in my life it is as dark as it gets. I was dating Benji Cope for a few months when he decided to break up with me a couple of weeks ago. We had known each other for quite a long time and had been friends for quite some time when during the summer we decided to make the rumors true at school, “Benji and Emily are dating,” in the middle of summer. Well since both of us had busy schedules we didn’t get to see each other very often. Also since we had no driver’s license and no car for that matter and not money we never got to have our first date. Let alone our first kiss. So anyway the day he broke up with me at the moment when he told me I put on the mask to hide my pain and told him that I understood that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Well after we parted that day all I felt like doing was crying but I held it in all day until that night when I was lying in bed thinking about what happened when the food gates opened and the gasping for air started. I ended up crying my self to sleep that night.

I n the morning when I saw him I was kind of mad at him and didn’t want to be around him at the moment. Well I had not where to run so he asked me why I kept moving away form him. Then he asked if I was mad at him. That is the reason he put off telling me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. At the time I wasn’t mad I just didn’t realize how much it hurt having him tell me that. He apologized for what he did but here is still now way to heal my broken heart. It may be broken for a very long while. Now I’m actually kind of mad tat him because when we decided to go with each other he didn’t want people to know but I wanted to tell the world. But when he was planning on breaking up he decided to tell the world and when he finally told me I didn’t want anybody to know. But then I finally came out of my shell and told people they all said that they already knew before it happened and so I had nobody to share the surprise with or the pain for that matter because they were all already expecting it.

Before Benji broke up with me he seemed very distant from me. For example I’d talk to him and he’d drift off in his mind and ignore me. Now it feels like I have made more progress with him and he’s not so distant anymore. It’ not right how the world works. Things have to get worse in order for them to get better. This applies to the fact I had to loose my relationship with Benji where he wouldn’t talk to me and feel distant, then go through the pain of the break up and how it seems that things are better between us after the break up. It makes sense but it’s just not fucking fair! This has taught me that no matter how bad I want to move forward or push or rush things I can’t do that unless the other half of the relationship is willing with you.

I may have pushed Benji into having a girlfriend too soon for him because he just realized that he wasn’t ready for a relationship or a girlfriend right now. But he did say that if and when he is ready he would choose me and nobody else. So for that I’m willing to wait for him and continue to love him like I have since the beginning of last summer.