Nexus a bit of his life

by RequiemRagna

in Completed Works

< 'Beware of first kisses' by RequiemRagna

Nexus a bit of his life

Nexus Part 1
View: first person
Day: right before a big fight and he's sick as a dog :(

I remember that morning feel like my body had been cast in to hell. As soon as I moved I knew I was in trouble. The room was half blurred as I sat up to hear a horrendous clatter from the kitchen. The noise made my head throb so hard I could barely see. Never the less, knowing the tournament was only a day away I forced myself from bed and headed out to inspect the noise. What I found was a very curious sight.

My two brothers were staring at the ceiling of the kitchen. Perplexed by this my own eyes followed up to the spot where they were looking. With a heavy side I saw why Drow was giggling so hard. A rather large pancake had been forcefully plastered to the ceiling of the kitchen. I saw Yuff snort loudly then tell his younger brother off. I was quick to stop this rudeness.

The look on Yuff’s thin young face was has it had always been, a bit smug with the touch of annoyance. He explained to me in a rather harsh manner that the “brat” , namely Drow, had flipped the pancake on to the roof and they had no way of retrieving it. Now mind you I was tried, horrible tired. My head felt much like a sack of potatoes that had been beaten for rats.

I however, despite my current state of sickness, remained calm. I explained that soon the center of the earth would pull the pancake back down, I also advised them to move or else the goopy cake would end up on someone’s head. I myself then sat down and began to make my morning tea. The two brothers hastily moved out of the way still looking up to see when it might try to come down. I rested on head against the palm of my hand and was desperately trying to stay awake.

My body was resisting any type of movement now and I wondered how I would make it thought training that day. My eyes had just slipped into darkness with I heard a loud cuss in dwarfish and a splat. I opened one eye, I had assumed correct, Drow had waited until the exacted moment for the pancake to fall then pushed Yuff under it. Yuff by this point was chasing the young hooligan around the kitchen. I forced my reluctant body up and called for a stop.

No one seemed to hear me. With a soft grunt I reached out and grabbed Yuff by the collar. The young mages eyes shone a deep red as they met with mine. I however did not let go, this I soon found was a very unwise move. A magic circle appeared around my feet, I then felt myself forced back. I hit the ground hard which didn’t help the racking pain in my sick body. As I looked up Yuff glared down at me and Drow has stopped just staring at him.

I felt my blood boil and in the condition I was in I had lost all patience with my younger brother. I quickly got to my feet almost nose to nose with Yuff. The words I said where not kind and I watched as Yuff’s face when slightly pale. Drow’s mouth hung open as I suddenly realized what I had said to Yuff. I quickly turned and retreated to the deeps of my room, locking the door behind me. I collapsed on to my bed and soon had fallen asleep.
> 'Art by Laurel Colored by RequiemRagna' by RequiemRagna

Description

Oct 14th 2007
Tags:
child fantasy first nexus palidain person surreal youth
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A peice from a book I'v been messing around with :) Enjoy it all guys!

Comments

Radical JoJo Says:

I can see that you've definitely put a lot of feeling into your characters. That's a great thing. Try to show that emotion, though, and not just tell it. What I mean by that is that...Your main character (Nexus, right?) goes through this instance and explains to us everything that's going on, and how everyone feels, and that things are happening. This distances the event from the reader. Try, instead, letting in some dialogue. Let some events happen, but don't tell us exactly how everyone feels; make the reader figure it out. When you involve the reader more, they'll feel more connected to your story, and it will be more interesting. They'll feel smarter and more respected, because you trust them to figure out how characters feel, or what your message is. It will also make the storytelling, itself, more dynamic through variation.

And, try reading through this again and giving your grammar a little cleaning up. It seems like a little thing, but a professional presentation really does make a difference in how your reader thinks about you. And it also keeps the reader grounded in your story, without getting distracted.

It's a great start. Now, keep going!