Some bits I got sick of short sentences, and "I'm almost completely burnt" was unnecessary and felt too...solid. Just "covered in smouldering skin" would have worked fine.
But still, really descriptive. ^^ Felt sort of like I was buuurrrnning.
Try putting it in second person. I like second person, it's fun, and it works well for things like this, where the "you" in the story has no control over what's happening. Also it's the best for empathy, which is what this needs to be effective.
Comments
WildBlueSun Says:
How come you don't have a silly overlay on your literature?
[/productive comment]
*will say something useful later*
Ozzyturtle123 Says:
Wow.
Good writing.
Yammo Says:
Nice
WildBlueSun Says:
Last line = rock.
Some bits I got sick of short sentences, and "I'm almost completely burnt" was unnecessary and felt too...solid. Just "covered in smouldering skin" would have worked fine.
But still, really descriptive. ^^ Felt sort of like I was buuurrrnning.
Try putting it in second person. I like second person, it's fun, and it works well for things like this, where the "you" in the story has no control over what's happening. Also it's the best for empathy, which is what this needs to be effective.
HeVN Says:
Very powerful, effective short story.
PokeyStix Says:
GAH - I can't see it anymore!