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Grapefruit Boulevard Chapter 1.7
"...Whoa. You mean we're actually going to go with twister?" Sergio flickered his eyes. "Dude... That's so trippy." He walked over to the kitchen sink and pressed the super-secret emergency Twister button.
Wait. The super-secret emergency Twister button?
"Sergio," began Brenton, "Did you just press the super-secret emergency Twister button?"
"Yeah," he replied. "I pressed the super-secret emergency Twister button."
Bern asked, "Since when do we have a super-secret emergency Twister button?"
"I dunno when you gotcho supa-secret emergency Twistah button," said Renzo, "But it sure ain't no supa-secret anymo'."
"I guess we should regard this as another fluctuation in the time/space bubble we're in." It most certainly wasn't someone just being lazy, that's for sure. "...Though we might want to check to make sure there isn't a super-secret lightning-on-your-head button anywhere near here."
"Indeed," agreed Brenton. "That would be most shocking."
A small white box dropped onto the center of the table. Sergio grabbed it at the edges and pulled it open. It contained the expected mat and spinner typical to any Twister package, as well as a large tome entitled "Twister: How to Prove Your Inherent Superiority as a Sentient Being." It was like the usual game manual, but with more threatening and demanding prose.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the rules of Twister, I'll explain them as succinctly as possible. (Those of you who are, and are also in a hurry, can safely skip to the next paragraph.) The game is played on a plastic mat with four rows of circles, each in a different color. They represent the four elements of traditional alchemy: fire (red), water (blue), wind (green), and earth (yellow). On each player's turn, the astrological spinner determines what elemental phase is in power at the current time, and what method must be used to gather its essence. However, because things like cauldron boiling, boulder grinding, outdoor rituals, and blood sacrifices are difficult to represent in a simple game, they are typically simplified into the placement of a particular limb on a circle. This process continues, with many players contorting themselves to fit on the proper colors. To further complicate things, they are not allowed to take anything away from the assigned spot. After all, there's still essence there-- stopping the process before it's complete results in a disastrous explosion, as well as elimination from the game. Once only a single competitor remains, that player must then summon the legendary elemental storm known only as The Twister and eradicate all life within a 300 mile radius. (This final phase of the game is customarily skipped during causal play, though a few enthusiasts have successfully managed to eradicate significant portions of social life within a 300 mile radius by executing it.)
Despite the game's aforementioned occult undertones, play began punctually. Sergio was decided to go first after the preceding rock/paper/scissors metagame, and placed his right foot (well... hoof) on a red circle. Renzo followed with an equally basic maneuver: left foot on blue. Bern was subsequently assigned to put his left hand on yellow when Brenton asked how the heck they were going to spin the spinner if they were all in various uncomfortable positions on the mat. It is fortunate, therefore, that Bern was unable to reach the mat with his hand without lying down on the ground and disqualifying himself. He took on the role of esteemed spinner operator.
In somewhat related news, you now know why Bern wears flip-flops.
After Brenton made his first move, another right foot on red, Round 2 began. Nothing interesting ever happens in Round 2, so I'll omit it for the sake of breverity. However, by Round 3, things were starting to get a little more tricky for Sergio, Renzo, and Brenton. Only Renzo had had the luck to stay in a relatively upright position. The other two had began leaning into these odd-looking poses that remind you of why you never see a really stylish Twister player. Round 4 passed, and limbs were beginning to cross one another. In Round 5, Sergio accidentally stomped on Renzo's foot, prompting him to complain loudly. In Round 6, Brenton was tripped over by Renzo's tail and was eliminated from the game. Oddly enough, this was a perfectly legal move.
But not all was looking bright for Renzo. In a cabalistic, corrupted form of the traditional push-up position, he did say:
"Heh. I could keep this up all night, ya know."
...My presumption was just a //little// off, it seems. Can't you guys just be a teensy bit more dramatic? Please?
"Oh, I know, dude," said Sergio. "Me too. Yoga's real groovy training for this stuff."
Bern spun the spinner again. "Right hand on red, Sergio. I can tell this is going to be one interesting match."
With a groan, Brenton added, "Or boring. It could also be long, agonizing, and boring."
By Round 56, Brenton was snoring on Bern's shoulder and proving himself right. "Um..." said Sergio, "Bern? It's, like, Renzo's turn."
Bern mumbled something, his eyes sealed shut.
"Bern?"
"No... No more food, Serg..."
"Dude, wake up!"
"I'm already-- huh? What?" Bern woke with a start. (Nobody ever wakes with a stop, do they?)
"...Oh, man. Sorry for, like, interrupting your harmonious dream vibes and everything. But... you need to, like, give Renzo his next move."
"...Right, right..." Bern looked conspicuously at his stomach, then spun the spinner again. "Right foot on green. Renzo?"
Renzo was awake, but looked a little drowsy for some reason. "A'ight. Sergio. It was real nice playin' all these fifty-five rounds with ya and all, and I betcha I could still beat ya in the end, but... Sweet lord, ain'tcha ever //bored//, brotha?"
"Bored?" Sergio confused. (Yes, the verb form of confused. It exists.) "Why would I be bored? I'm here relaxing with some groovy dudes without any worries... Dude, it's, like, total paradise."
"I see yo point, but... Man, just 'cause you be doin' somethin' borin' wit' cool peeps don't make it fun. It's jus' like baseball, ya know?"
Three baseball fans living elsewhere on the street subconsciously resented that remark.
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