The Bermuda Decagon

The Bermuda Decagon

The Bermuda Triangle is located between Japan, Germany, and Iraq. Few dare to enter, but nobody ever returns. Just recently it was reported that the problem involved going around in circles for three years, before you realized "Fuck! I'm going in circles!"

It is believed that the Bermuda Triangle was made by communists to kill Amelia Earhart, the communist who had planned this went by the name of ‘Iota’. Well congratulations you communist scum, she’s gone now, I bet you’re all happy with your damn sickle and hammer and your Triangle of DEATH. LOOK AT ME, I’M A COMMUNIST. AND I KICK PUPPIES! WOOOOOOO!

So anyway, the Triangle, deadly as hell. What’s even more odd is that it isn’t shaped like a triangle at all, but an irregular decagon. I am not making this up, the perimeter of the Bermuda Triangle (or Bermuda Decagon, now) is in the shape of a decagon, that just seems to go all over the damn place on the Continent of Asia, AND Europe. Since you know, Germany’s not in Asia.

BUT WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THIS TRIANGLE DECAGON OF DEATH? Well, here’s a list:

-President George Bush.
Why not, everybody blames him for everything. “HONEY, I CAN’T GET THIS PICKLE JAR OPEN! GOD DAMMIT BUSH, NOT AGAIN! YOU LEAVE MY WIFE OUT OF THISSSSDLASKNDASLKDAS!”

-Global Warming.
You know why? Because Al Gore warned us about Global Warming, and Al Gore is a Democrat. And we all know Democrats are American Nazis. DOWN WITH NAZI POWER. AND ONTO THE NEXT POINT…

-Nazis.
Self-exploratory.

-Nirvana.
Yes, them. The band that started the grunge scene in the 90s. I think it’s fair that if they were known for ‘saving rock’, then they should be blamed for something bad. The Decagon Triangle is just perfect to be blamed for.

-You.
Yes, you. It was probably you who told Communist scum Iota about Amelia Earhart, or maybe it was your ancestors. Either way, you’re involved in the Decagon of despair. Thanks a lot, Benedict Arnold.

I think I’ll stop blaming things for now, let’s continue.


One recorded incident was when a purple flying cat caused the Poseidon to sink in the Bermuda Triangle, because of its awesomeness. Another incident was caused by Samuel Montaban El Vader Waddashasha Lagrande McCray. A man who's midichlorian count is 9000, had ridden the mighty Bermuda worm. BUT AT A COST! That day, when he was riding in the Bermuda Decagon... It was not he that got teleported to the moon, like things do in the Decagon. But it was… HIS LEFT TESTICLE! He is ever vigilant in the hunt for both his testi and the great worm.


In an interview with an NNC, he had this to say...
"Well, I was originally on the planning board for the Triangle, but I was soon kicked off the project after they found out I was selling information to Viet Cong. Making it a Triangle was my idea, but after they learned this, they quickly changed it to a Decagon so they wouldn't have to pay me a cent. Cheap, communist bastards. I'm sorry I can't answer any more questions, I'm... too drunk.”

Said NNC has also confirmed tha-OW, SHIT. I JUST GOT SHOT IN THE CHEST. JESUS CHRIST THE PAIN, YOU BASTARD!


After my recovery, I continued to work on my report. I have found out even more things about the Bermuda Decagon. There is a myth that claims if you walk into the Decagon from German heading south, entering it with your right foot in first and on a full moon night on the 5th Thursday in a month, then you will escape the Decagon instantly. Although tests have proven that you are normally drunk while you do this, and you’re actually still in the bar from where starting drinking. Whoops.

I thought Fox News would get a kick out of this recently, so I submitted it to them in hopes that I’d get paid lots of money and become famous. Turns out they just stole my report, ‘Fox News’d’ it, and gave no credit to me. It was pretty hilarious to watch, to be honest, I’m sure I can sum it up in one paragraph.

Intro, nothing but bullshit, evil sinister music from the “Now that’s what I call Sinister music volume 3!” album. Innocent people claiming they’re the victims of the Bermuda Decagon, when they don’t even know just what the hell it is in the first place. Leads to murderers, rapists, pedophiles, terrorism, etcetera, etcetera.

I tried suing Fox News for this, demanding $20,000,000 for copyright infringement. But they had Bill O'Reilly as the defense attorney, surely I was fucked.


So here I am, writing this on a 1987 Macintosh. I had to sell nearly everything I had own, but I had a good 20 dollars with me, which I had used to buy the Mac. It seriously is worth about $20. Seriously.

I hope you all enjoy this, as this report has pretty much cost me my entire life. If you’re kind enough you can send some money to me, maybe then I can upgrade to a 1989 Macintosh. Oh the leap I will make, heading closer to the new age of technology!