Translation Table for Away Messages

Translation Table for Away Messages

After over four years of spending 12 hours on instant messengers per day, I figured it would be a good idea to share my knowledge of this hobby to the less-acquainted. I couldn't help but notice how often people's online status were misleading; while people who are away will talk to you casually, some available users can take hours to respond. This ended up causing a widely-spread confusion because of which people don't pay attention to online status anymore. Therefore I feel the issue should be thoroughly explained.

Indeed, after gaining so much experience with misleading online status and away messages, I managed to devise a precise and complete translation table. Be careful with the ones which have several meanings:
•Online:
 oDoing something else, will reply every 30 minutes or so.
 oIn a Skype conference, ignoring the rest of the universe. Don't bother trying to get their attention because nothing's more important than your in-group out loud random 4chan reference time.
 oPlaying WoW, will take an eternity to reply.
•Away:
 oAvoiding everybody except their best friends/girlfriends/boyfriends.
 oHates talking to people, thus defeating the purpose of using instant messengers
 oLets all their fans add them to their buddy list, yet make themselves constantly away as a clever trick to avoid them rather than using this new amazing "blocking" technology or otherwise ZOMG TALKING WITH NORMALS. URARGH I AM A POP ULAR FLASH ARTRIST AND NORMALS DO NOT DESERVE MY ANTTENTION!!!
 oLeft MSN open, too stupid to log off after using the computer.
•Not Available:
 oThe new away for people who are actually away, enforcing the fact that "Away" is rather used to avoid people's approach when available.
 oNot really away.
•Busy:
 oMasturbating
 oWorking on a personal project, yet willing to reply to every message, making the status pointless.
 oWorking on a school project, yet making themselves a bait to distraction from instant messengers.
 oBusy with very important Internet matters. Will yell at you aggressively if you approach them.
•Do Not Disturb:
 oHaving cyber sex, making your attempts at chatting with this person embarrassingly frustrating.
•Be Right Back:
 oWill come back in about 6 hours or so.
•In A Call:
 oSee the second one under "Online"
•Out To Lunch:
 oWent out to eat two hours ago and forgot to set it back to online.
•Offline:
 oHiding from somebody because of Internet drama.
 oSleeping for the 6 hours per day they don't spend on the Internet.

Let's not neglect custom away messages put in screen names. Although their meaning should be obvious, they are often found to be misleading as well:

•"DON'T TALK TO ME":
 oToo butthurt to talk, thus defeating the purpose of logging on.
 oProbably a cry for attention, therefore will start crying on your shoulder if you approach them anyway.
•"Sleeping"
 oHave devised a clever Sleeping/Available screen name system, yet never update their screen name making the whole thing completely incoherent.
•"In the shower"
 oSee "Out To Lunch".
•"My heart is the cage of a thousand loveless crows. I am already dead inside.”
 oIs a zombie.
 oOH OKAY TALK TO YOU TOMORROW

Then, this list being too complex to remember on the go, I decided to make a simpler, condensed version:

•Online: Unavailable
•Away: Available
•Not Available: Available
•Busy: Available
•Do Not Disturb: Available
•Be Right Back: Available
•In A Call: Available
•Out To Lunch: Available
•Offline: Available
•Screen name message: Available

Obviously that system is severely retarded. Therefore, here is my own suggestion for a much convenient list of preset online status:

•Actually available
•Actually not available
•Even more not available (just in case the previous one loses its meaning)
•Butthurt
•Too popular for normals
•Hiding offline
•Left MSN open
•Masturbating
•Having cybersex
•Ignoring nearly everybody
•Playing WoW
•On Skype
•Kidnapped by ninjas
•Fighting a giant squid