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The Rebel
Life is like a mountain far up in the sky; there are many mountains around it; yet, us, our lives, our family members... are trapped on one of the smallest mountains there. But, it is the only one we know, the only road we know, the road with friends, and resources there to help us walk the road full of rocks and bumps, walking, waiting, for something we do not know, walking for nothing. Not for solace, not for a better life, but for the only reason we know; the goals we made, so long ago, highly under the influence of our authority's satisfaction. But.... the other cliffs, they are so, interesting, intriguing in their beauty, their grass of a lighter green, their constant winds that blow in such a different direction, the unknown that we fear so much, yet, our interest, our seeking, our treacherous struggles with finding room in this current, long road, this high, unbalanced cliff, that we struggle to stay on, to not fall, and to not collapse in our struggles, walking, for the involving of others, our socialization, this..... God that we doubt inside our minds, yet, we are constantly wanting a belief, a cult, a relief that is so peaceful, so relieving... so that if we finish this long, distant voyage we might be accepted to rest in hot, mellow springs and relieving, cool, fluent waters; something to rely on. But does this relief, this God exist? Does it? Should I quit asking questions? Should I continue to be brain-washed, to go with our ever lasting flow, that we struggle with yet are bound into with non respected, hated authority, and the thought that if we try to make this long, high, risky jump to the other cliff we might become one of those outsiders, the unfortunate, irrational, innovative thinkers that tried so hard to sprint to the other, smooth, heavily and valid - marked roads, so hard to make the leap of disobedience but apparent comfort of getting away from it all, yet the sun's ultra-violet rays had killed their bodies, the pressure, the blood upon the edge of the opposite cliff from their bodies, their minds, that were once so wanting for this, simple, unknown solace.... Or, should I think differently.. stick out of the crowd... attempt to make the leap, attempt to fly for greater grass and to sprint across the desert of anxiety and dunes of self implied pressure, the dunes, that I could so simply walk around yet through false teachings force upon my weak, simple mind, so small the dunes that I try to climb, so vicious the winds and sandstorms and steepness that hurt my feet and damage my ambition, and onto my eyes come the grains of the sandstorm that gets it's infinite sand from the harsh but natural, self afflicted storm of.. Doubt.
I am known by few people for my knowledge, my infinite interest of wanting to know more... the ones that are supposedly like me, who are known; they do not think, they do not reason, but go and seek out other's opinions, they find the reciprocal.. they find a reason to back the reciprocal up... such a simple way of thinking, I look at them. I am disgusted... that is not thinking... You are all on the same side... the mainstream... the easy flow that you sit in neutrality and let the flow drive you into the rocks, the water falls, that will all leave you to die a bruised up, miserable man. All because you have not realized how much it is worth it to defy everything that was created in your life NO, not by you!! But by this dull, this weak minded force that we call our authority, things you were too early on in your life to think about and to resist. They were not given to you... they were grasped by the unfaithful, weak authority, mashed into your palms and clenched into your hands... oh, so harshly they damaged the weak ends of your fingers, the undeveloped, so that they would teach you to deal with it, and so your weak body, so strongly hit by this force of an invisible wall and this brain washing you call the standard of our living, and slowly.... yes, slowly but surely, your body reformed from the weak, moldy, mixed up structure they turned you into.. you regrew, into an apparent person that was the same you... yet, you are not the same child that set out for it's life, "you" are a new you, renewed to withstand this life, your expectations, your definition of happiness, all lowered! And never shall they be heightened to their original points again.
You! Your mind is weak, but your voice is strong! Strong enough to make the crowds roar, to roar a constant shout of your name, an illusion of false happiness, of false teachings... and the wine, the wail of pain your were as a child is now carrying on this vicious cycle of life, so that you may produce fruit, and then butcher it... and to reconstruct it... to re-program it... just as you were.
I am now at the cliff. Because of my false teachings, I am not looking forward, to my goal that I must shoot for to obtain true life, and true happiness, but down. Down at what I fear, down at the unknown... the waters. The waters of punishment, the waters of failure, the waters of my battered and beaten life that could be the future. Those waters I once knew had turned to lava pits by now, because of my fear, my constant fear for my life that I had reluctantly worked for! Is this future true... these springs, and these cool, pleasant waters... or is it all false. If I do not make this jump, shall I be just another brick in the wall? Just another grain of sand, in this depressed, struggling giant life form that we all are.
By now the fear of this has exceeded my old fears. The fears of non success, taught to me by the elders, who had once to a million times before, noticed this unprotected, non patrolled cliff, the only chance to break on through. But, once at my point of noticing these fears, were scared away and back to their dull lives when they noticed they were alone when the waters of fear had turned into lava pits of anxiety and stress.... No. I am not like them. Not like my forefathers who had preached the lesson that they were scared into, about the false underworld we are all biased into believing in.
I shall clear my mind now, yes, it will all be better, this is the one road I am traveling... alone amongst the sane. I am sick and tired of thinking and thinking, I must not think, but act, act, act! Act out and play the real game of life that is what I was originally created for, and I will leap!
And upon that impulse, I jump.
Despite everyone else's words they shout at me to get me back to where I was, weak minded once again, giving in to authority, once again, safe... once again. But that is not what I want to be. That is not me, damn it! Despite their words on non-wisdom, I will leap for solace, and I will run for simplicity! I will take the risk. I will make history, I will change my world!
But wait... through all my thinkings... through all my self-ranting.. their is one thing I realize.
As I am in midair, too far down the perpendicular, imaginary, rebellious road I had set out on to go back, I glance at the snowy, cold top of the mountain... but I realize... what I see is, contentment. Over all my rebellious life, I was only focusing one side of the story, only the rebellious side! Now, and too late, I realize it is I who am weak-minded, I who am biased, me! They could adjust to the world around them, but me......?!
As I fall, I realize. But as I realize, I fall. And I am too far for it to matter what I realize, and now, the only talent I have ever known, my philosophy, is falling too! My knowledge! Everything I had gained! I am so weak, that I had become what I hated the most! And now comes my eternal punishment.
I fall into this lava, that I had only been dragged into by myself. From the moment I jumped, everything began to fade, and now, there is nothing left to fade. Nothing of me. Nothing of my rants. Nothing of my knowledge. Because of me. I am nothing but another brick in the wall, as I feared, but only worse. I am inferior to those who could change, those who could be, and stay, content, those who could adjust... those who weren't... nothing... as I am, and was. Nothing....
2007 by Andrew Swain
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