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Fall of Tiber part 2
The drop pods fell to the ground like a storm of falling stars, each one carrying four space marines, each one destined to plunge its occupants straight in to battle.
As the doors opened Khan was showered with a hail of gunfire, the shots pattered harmlessly off of his ceramite armour. He kicked down the rubble blocking his exit and charged straight in to the fight. His brothers were attempting to hold back wave after wave of traitorous imperial guard.
“Khan, join the fight and help us cleanse these heretics!” shouted Brother Tobias.
Khan ran for them firing off bolter shots as he went, the explosive rounds making short work of the lost and the damned. Whilst running past a window a guardsman jumped through it and brought Khan down to the ground, Khan tried to reach for his combat knife but it was knocked from him while the heretic reined a flurry of blows using the butt of his rifle. Khan, stunned could not counter these blows, all he could see were the mad eyes of his opponent. Then out of nowhere the huge power claw of the dreadnought Seriphis grabbed the man and snapped him in two like a dry twig.
“Khan.” He rumbled, “You must be more aware of your surroundings, lest your gene seed be lost to the warp forever”.
“I thank you brother Seriphis, but now we must fight” said Khan
“Indeed” replied Seriphis.
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Comments
Sean Canavi Says:
Yay, another WH40K Author! *Favwatch*
Chaplin343 Says:
good job nice follow up
ZephyrWinds Says:
Who the hell keeps "no"-ing your stuff?!
Shutaboy Says:
*nods*It's looking good.
Lord Welshi Says:
In my honest opinion, this needs work. It's far too short to get any sort of feel for the real harships and grit of battle. The dropping in by drop pod is far, far too short, so much more could have been done with it. I can't get a grasp on the charatcers at all, probably due to the length of the piece: add more descriptions. Describe the battlefield, describe the Marines, describe the sounds of their weapons firing, the kick of the recoil that is absorbed by the armour, the acrid smell of the ionised air from lasgun fire. For a scene apparently set in whagt I can guess is meant to be a battlefield, it's too short, lacks description, and is not nearly dark enough.