POTC: Shipping Kills

POTC: Shipping Kills

Setting: A room completely made out of grey brick with no windows and only one heavy steel plated door for an entrance or an exit. The only light comes from a single dangling light bulb over head. Four people sit in chairs in the room, a redhead girl, another manly looking girl, a eunuch who is sitting on a chair in a bucket of water, and a probable gay man with dreadlocks and a tan. Next to the redhead is a box of scones and some tea.

Me: Hi everybody. Jessica here and I have been getting some well deserved slack for a review I wrote about Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

Will: Review? What review? You mean that angry rant you wrote at three a.m. about how much you hate me?

Me: Hahahahaha, aren’t you just adorable? Yeah so I realized that after seeing it again in theaters, and watching the first movie again on DVD, I have to apologize. So I gathered the main characters here to have a little chat with them...about shipping.

Jack: So then am I to understand that you’re not going to try to ravish me then?

Me: Pfft, of course I am. That’s going to be after this.

Jack: That would explain the handcuffs…wait, why are you handcuffed?

Me: Because despite my re-watching of all three movies and deep meditation and a Batman Beginsesque voyage of self discovery, part of me still wants to kill Will.

Will: So I’m handcuffed to this chair because…?

Me: Did you not hear the part about me still want to kill you? Speaking of you Will, how are you? Would you like a scone?

Will: You mean those biscuits you stole from Red Lobster and stuffed full of sedatives sitting on that table over there?

Me: What? I would never sedate you and then sick hoards of angry, rabid JackxLiz shippers on you when you sleep. Dreadful lot those shippers.

Elizabeth: Aren’t you a shipper?

Me: Moi? What ever gave you that idea? Now Lizzy, be a dear and go sit on Jacks lap and stroke his beard whilst I plan naughty fanfiction in my head…I mean hey look a bear. So Will, first off I would like to apologize to you. So here it goes…Will Turner…I’m sorry. You’re not a douchebag, you are a well developed character who is willing to risk anything for the woman he loves and cannon and whatnot.

Will: Really, you mean you’re not just saying that so people on the internet don’t think you’re crazy and this is an actual genuine apology?

Me: Will, I draw pictures of Wonder Woman getting it on with Batman. People on the internet already think I’m crazy. I just let my darker side get the best of me and cloud my judgment. Your ending was perfectly acceptable. Throughout all three movies you two have loved each other and fought tooth and nail for one another. Sacrificed your lives for one another, explored your darker side for one another. Despite the fact that Lizzy was all lusty for Jack in the second movie-

Elizabeth: Was not!

Jack: Pfft…keep telling yourself that luv.

Me: -you two are truly in love and I am glad that you two got together in the end. Because given the fact that Liz and Jack are the floozies that they are, there is no way it would have worked out between the two of them anyway.

Elizabeth: I am not a floozy!

Me: Not only are you a floozy but you’re a harbinger of death. Everybody you kiss dies. Will dies, Jack, dies, your father, dies, Sao Feng, dies. Commadore Norrington-

Norrington: Dies.

Me: OMG SILLY DRUNK BUM NORRINGTON! Have a seat and join in on my reformed shipper intervention.

Norrington: There are no more chairs.

Me: Oh you don’t need a chair to sit on my lap you silly dead drunken bum! It’s a shame that they killed you, being such you know, a main character. So what’s it like being on the Dutchman now with Captain Legolas over there?

Norrington and Will: I hate you.

Me: And I have come to terms with your relationship with Elizabeth. So were square. As for you James darling, I have come to terms with you and your love for your wig. Now, Elizabeth how does it feel to be a silly strumpet?

Elizabeth: Oh so now that you no longer hate Will, you hate me?

Me: I don’t hate you. Lizzy, despite the fact that you are a strong willed independent woman who longs for freedom and just wants to be with the love of her life, you are at heart a silly strumpet. And if you hadn’t confused the hell out of people in the second movie then all this wouldn’t be a problem.

Elizabeth: If anything you should hate Jack, he’s the flirt.

Jack: That would work, but its impossiable to hate me seeing as I’m the one who makes this movie work.

Me: Jack, which ship do you prefer? JackxDirt or JackxPeanut?

Jack: …Me and rum?

Me: I love you.

James: Its there really a point to any of this?

Jack: She wants to apologize for making a Will hating ass out of herself but can’t entierly because she secretly harbors feelings of mass destruction for the boy, but in the end has to come to the conclusion that above being a bloody shipper, she is a POTC fan and indeed needs to put her love for the movies above the fact that who she wanted to end up together didn’t. Savvy?

Me: Sex. Me. Now. …I mean hey look another bear fighting the one I saw earlier. Yes Pirates of the Caribbean 3 was a great movie. Sure it had it’s plotholes, what movie doesn’t, but overall it was a satisfactory ending to the series, and the only reason why I was so mad at it the first time around was because I let my evil shipping get in the way.

Norrington: Kids, shipping kills brain cells.

Avatar: The Last Airbedner fans: Huh?

Me: All the plot devices were nicely packaged and tied off, Will and Liz became a living allegory for Tia and Davey, and Jack sails off into the sunset free as a bird and off onto another adventure with no strumpet to tie him down back at port. James ends up dead, Willabeth shippers get what they have wanted since the first movie, and Sparrowbeth shippers get to speculate over what Elizabeth is doing those nine years and 364 days while Will is out at sea.

Everyone: …

Me: AT LEAST GIVE US THAT MUCH! You know that if we don’t write fan fiction about something we die.

Will: I hate you.

Me: And I only slightly dislike you now. Orlando Bloom however, he’s dead to me. And remember every time you let shipping cloud your judgment a Kraken dies.

Jack: Hahaha…Save me.

Me: Good night everybody! Now James, go sit on Jacks lap and stroke his beard so I can prepare to write naughty fan fiction about it…I mean hey look next to those two fighting bears is a dead Kraken.

Will: I hate fangirls.