NOSTALGIA

Once there was a time
when I would look in the mirror
and admire my reflection for hours.
I'd spend evenings just watching
With narcissistic fascination
I wanted that girl to be my sister, the one who followed my every move
Who's eyes shined and glistened.
Now the media tells me that i have no right
to look at that girl
unless shes 96 pounds
Perfect skin...
Now the glass makes better use
For cutting away at my imperfections
Rather than admiring them.

I wish it was back when
I laughed about obscene words
And could barely tie my shoelaces
I now wish that
I could jump
without feeling awkward
I could wear belly shirts and miniskirts and people would say
"cute"
not
"slut"
A child's memories of playing
In the park
Fade.
When the park goes from the play spot to the
Weed spot.
To the "Don't go in there after dark" spot.

When summer days were full of ice cream and lemonade
Instead of diets, to fit into a bikini.
Dragging my hand across old wood
to feel the splinters piercing my hand
Remind me of the accidental splinters i would get
from running around on wood floors to fast.
As 'playdate' slowly become 'chill' or 'hang out'.

I miss the days where we were older yet young...
Prepubescent 11 year olds walking in the snow
and buying ice cream in the winter.
Sitting in the street laughing at night.
Making stupid choices because we finally could.

Now my stupid choices are not on purpose.
I cannot articulate a sentence without "Fuck" and "Shit"
Flying from my lips.
We've grown up
Quicker than the ice cream melted and dripped down our sticky fingers
And i miss those days
Before we discovered hair dye and makeup
And our images became fake.
Before there was myspace
or high school
or making out
or alcohol
or self-mutilation
or stress.
I miss those times, unbearably.