Loss - Chapter 2

Loss - Chapter 2

I'm not sure how long I've been going. It may be a few hours, or even a few months. I just can't seem to grasp the concept of time anymore. It's hard to care about small things like that when you've got so much on your mind.

I think of them every day; every minute of every day. I dream of them every night. Sometimes it's good, and I feel so warm for just that moment. I think that I might get my life back on track and live like I know they'd want me to. But then I wake up, and I realize that I can't stop grieving, because if I do, I'll just feel guilty about moving on.

They were everything to me, and I know I was part of their everything too. I know that if the situation were reversed, I'd want them to move on with their lives and live happily in my memory. I just can't do that myself.

There have been many times since the accident that I've been angry with myself, and angry with God. I wasn't a very strong believer, but I did believe. I still try to, but it's hard to think that there's a benevolent being up there who would do something like this to me. It's hard to believe that anyone who is said to be an almighty good force would want someone to endure such pain. And, for what? So I can learn from it? Fuck that. I don't want to learn any God damned lessons, I just want my family back.

Since they died, I've been going to a therapist every day. I talk to him, just so I wont have to go there much longer. I pretend I'm doing better and he's always smiling and telling em how much progress I've made. I haven't gone anywhere. And, the only way he could possibly help me is if he could raise the dead, which he can't.

I don't bother telling him about my weirder dreams.

I know I'm dreaming, but in the dream, I wake up. I live a whole day in the dream, and it's the best day of my life, because my family is there. We go to the park, and I get to play with my kids, and hold my wife, and stroke her hair, and lift Joey over my head and spin him, and chase Sean around. It feels so real, even though it's not. I woke up one morning, and I swear I could still smell my wife's perfume around me, and hear them laughing.

I live for those dreams. The only time I ever feel real happiness is when I'm in that dream world. I wish I could sleep forever, and never let those dreams end.