Confused Child

Confused Child

After arguing with you
there is nothing more that I would like to do
Then run to my stash of weapons that slash
And let it bite into my skin.

Let the long metal blade
Go to my neck, and rip a hole
that everyone would check

let the feeling of mental pain go away
only to be replaced by the short stab of physical followed by that nice crimson red
and wait slowly until I am dead

maybe then you would get it.
there is something seriously wrong with me
my mind races in constant calculating agony.
I should just let the blade slip

but all I'll ever do is sit and write fucking poems.
All I'll ever do is wish I had the guts to try
Wish I was motivated in the things I do wish I could.

Don't get me wrong,
This isn't one of those "my life sucks feel sorry for me" sort of things
Fuck that. I've done enough of that for a while
No this is a genuine self loathing rant.

so I guess you were right,
all I am is a unmotivated son of a bitch
with WAY too much time on his hands.

All I ever do is sit here
Writing about things that never were,
or never could be.

Either that or I'm here on the comp. either fucking around playing games
Or whatever other loser shit that I do
God, I wish I had the drive to do all the things I dream of.

But at the rate I'm going, all I'll ever be is
another love sick, wannabe, suicidal loser who can't get over their past.
Oh, wait, that's right! I'm already one of those!

Like the world needs any more of those lovely people.

God, I hate myself. But you can't really blame me for feeling that way
Look at how life is! Sure, I'm one of the nicest guys you'll meet
But like that ever got anyone anywhere besides being walked on all over the street

You know, I wish I could do it.
The knife is right there in all its stainless steel glory
You know, the blade would look good
All red and gory

But there it sits and there it will stay
At least, so we hope
Until another day.
Or at least until I have the guts/motivation to use it.
God, I wish I had more motivation.

Maybe I am just overdoing it a bit,
Feel free to tell me I'm wrong, but don't expect me to cry and say stuff like
"Thank you______for showing me I was wrong" though knowing me, I will anyway, because thats how I feel.
God, I sicken myself.

Yes, I have good intentions, but I always seem to fuck things up somehow, whether its doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing, or even just thinking the wrong thing.

I truly have more luck then a leprechaun on St. Patrick's day with a four leaf clover. Some of the things I've said or done or thought, god, I should have been shot or at least punched in the face.

If that would fix everything, then there would be no world problems.
but this is the real world.
and apologizing only gets you so far

before you truly do
go too deep and start drowning in your mistakes.
Unfortunately, I think, my day hasn't yet come.

I don't know maybe I am being hard on myself, I don't even know anymore,

Could someone tell me honestly
what it is I have to do to make everything right?
Wow, I really do wish
I knew what the fuck was wrong with me.

And don't fucking tell me I'm too hard on myself
Maybe its true, and maybe its not,
I don't know, but I do want answers and I really do want input.

People, please tell me what's wrong with me
So that maybe I can fix it.