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Life
Bars of stainless steel
Chains of silver metal
Locked up without a key
You think they won't kill?
Flames of the heart arise
From the pent up anger
Searching for nothing but a light
To escape my future demise
Dreaming of an unknown happiness
Hoping for a peaceful future
Knowing it's all an ugly lie
For all I could get was sadness
The things they've told me
The lies that they've given me
The false hopes I've gained
This was all meant to be
Shattering my momentless dreams
They gave me a wicked smile
And a few words of unwanted 'wisdom'
With a harm's means
A heart of ice
A frighten child
An emotionless creature
This was all very nice
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Comments
Lolipop13 Says:
Aww ;(
*Switched to IE just to read*
We love you hun.
Phaena Says:
This piece is very nice, a lot of emotion is shown and the usage of certain words makes this very catchy.
Well done ^^
Jetkid Says:
life sounds hard great poem tho
Tom of Forks Says:
I like it.
Fitos Says:
"Locked up without a key
Good work on that one.
Think about it yourself.
You think they won't kill?"
Might work a bit better as follows: "Locked without a key / You think they won't see?" (I know 'kill' is what you want to use, but this just goes better in my oppinion)
"Flames of the heart arise
From the pent up anger
Searching for nothing but a light
To escape my future demise"
Well... how about this: "Flames of heart arise / From pent up anger /Searching for light / Escaping demise"
You know... 'the' is not a very good word to use in poetry, which is supposed to be read fast, which this is, and...well, it just goes better without 'the' in this poem. I agree that in many cases articles are good to use, but... Try saying this stanza fast with power in your version and then in mine.
A good example in which articles are good is the third stanza of your poem
The fourth stanza just doesn't work... the message is good, but I just can't see how it would work in this poem... It is like the one I am currently writing: I just can not make myself decide should I remove it or what...
And for the next stanza, how about: "My dreams were shattered / With words of 'wisdom', / with wicked smiles / And intended (Something which rhymes with 'wisdom')." (SORRY: I am not a native English speaker... even though my father is english, but I have lived my whole life in Finland and my mother is Finnish... so.)
"A heart of ice
A frighten child
An emotionless creature
This was all very nice"
How about:
"A frighten child,
With heart of ice,
Without emotion.
I am molded anew."
OK. Now I have totally raped this poem, so good luck with the future poems and remember that a poem is infact not what it looks like, but what it means to you, so... FUC* what I say
-Fitos.
Walymelia Says:
Humans can't stop suffering, it's a fact. Everyone's crying deep inside and I can feel your pain but don't worry, one day, everything will stop. How? Tell miss Death and his lovely mad hatter.
Perry Porcupine Says:
Hmmmm very nice and got nothing else to say